I am scared!

It's killing me and I need to write this.

I am an introvert. And I am very comfortable with the fact.

I rarely express, even if I really want to I can’t, I can’t open up easily... Sometimes, I find it really hard to say a “Hi” forget about initiating a conversation with people on my own... And honestly.. I have tried changing it, but I failed miserably.

I have my people with whom I can talk for hours but not with everyone.

Even though I am courageous, strong and blah blah I have fears and they are as deep as my strengths.

I don’t really know if it’s a blessing or a curse to be emotionally vulnerable and feel everything with a very high intensity... Whether I am happy or excited or grateful or sad.... I feel everything intensely... And, I love these feelings till the time they are positive but when negativity rules... God save the world!

My biggest fear is – “People I have feelings for... destructing themselves“

I have very few close friends and I deeply feel for them, they are like my family and I can’t see them in pain... We have been together through very bad times and I am really proud of it. They believed in me when I gave up on myself!

But, being vulnerable is a curse and is badly bothering me because I develop feelings for people who are not even my friends but are good at heart and I can’t see them in a destructive phase... I am stupid I know... I shouldn’t be thinking about it at all, but, yes, I am really stupid and I can’t stop thinking...

I am scared of liars and manipulative people, I have learned I can’t deal with them, so, now, I don’t think over it. Whenever I realize someone is being manipulative I simply cut myself and stop talking to that person. Maybe that’s my defense mechanism.

I am highly anxious right now and something is killing me deeply... each day... every moment and I can’t talk about it... 

God, please please make it a bad dream... I really need to wake up from this.. Please help me.. I promise I will be a good girl :(

Please God, show me the way out... And please take care of my people... Love you.

Life is always Amazing!

:-)

Yes, its a masterpiece of nature.... Its amazing everyday...!

We often crib and complain about bad happenings in our lives... but what is the fun if there are no ups & downs.. How can a person enjoy a sight of a beautiful blue sea without experiencing the sadness of a dead desert... Desert reminds me of dessert and I am hungry :P

Anyhow.. You never know where you find what... We can find life in a dead shell.... Life is full of surprises.. you can never predict what future holds for you :-)

Recent example from my life is my new workplace.. I always met people who said banks are the worst places to work... And i always had this phobia of working in a bank.. In fact, I never used to go for an interview if company used to be a bank, no matter how good... This new bank I joined was also not my first choice.. i joined it without much of enthusiasm.. I had my own reasons.. For me it was like an arranged marriage where I had to marry without knowing anything about a guy just because I was getting old sitting at home :P... and the only reason of this negative image was the opinion i used to carry from people...

But trust me.. this place amazed me... Each day is new here.. with something new... I am actually falling in love with it... Now, I believe I somewhat understand how people fall in love even after arranged marriage :-)... You explore... you learn.. you accept the person as they are.. you appreciate... You start loving small things... that's how you begin...

My first day in the company was somewhat disastrous... It rained very heavily.. And i was all soaked in cold water when i entered in the office... Shivering.. And praying to get free on time so that i can leave as I was feeling cold... Then I got to know that my boss forgot about my joining date and he was on leave :P... day moved forward with mixed happenings... I dint like it much... 

Next 2 days were somewhat boring... Then I met 'A', my colleague... A funny, happy-go-lucky kinda guy.. on first day of our meeting we dint talk much.. but we developed comfort in 2-3 days of interaction... I developed interest in the profile and product plus 'A' was there to make me laugh.. Life becomes easier when someone is there... 

In a week's time boss nominated me & 'A' for a short product training... which was in some village.. We got late on the first day of training.. Though some disasters do happened there as people there carried a very different mindset... We still managed to enjoy our training along with the learning...

Coming back to office... Another '6-day' training was lined up... And we were waiting for it eagerly... days passed and training began... We met many new people there... since, this training was residential... we got ample time to interact with people... 

This training was too good... I used to play badminton with people and discovered I can still play well... We all used to sit and talk till late evenings about banking, financial products and live case studies... Since, all were from banking background except me.... I got to learn a lot from them.. It was superb..

People in banks are very different... They are to-the-point, precise, very clear, serious, focused, clear and respectful... They wont make you feel like they are hitting on you because you are a female colleague or talking double meaning stuff.. they are straight forward and decent. I really love being in their company... there is a sense of protection always... Like they understand that they also have sister and mother at home :-)

6-day training got over, I made few friends and moved towards my home... When I joined office after training I was different... I loved being there... I had less concerns about how dirty and small the office room is... or there are no chairs to sit... All what mattered was I was in a place where people were realistic.. Involved in themselves, least bothered about what you are up-to... Its a fast life here... No one has time to bother about where you are going or what you are wearing.. 

Say Hi, Smile and begin... That's how it is!

I somewhat appreciate my boss a lot, he is a guy rare to find... too aggressive, polished, prompt and cool... Involved in his life and our numbers.... No monkey business... no calling every minute to ask where are you or what you are up to.. 

Though right now my attendance system is not started yet, so, m still cherishing my honeymoon period... I daily go to office with equal enthusiasm and look forward to do things I wish to do... I have so much to catch up with... Running, Swimming, Dancing, Shopping, Investment, Buying phone, Preparations for GOA, Savings for Bora Bora... Phewww.... Long long list I have to pursue :-)

While doing all this... I miss someone badly... But at times in life we need to leave certain people for their happiness... So, if your absence is gift for someone... Give them and carry on... 

Life is full of surprises... All we need is to take a step ahead and start walking... Till the time we'll go out... we never know how it could turn out to be... 

God ji, thank you so much for everything... Your li'l favorite kid loves you lot... take care of my people... Love you... Muuuuaaaah :-)))

Deception!

"One of the worst feelings in the world is the feeling of being cheated by someone you trusted.."

As we grow up we meet different kinda people... We see different faces... We learn from them... 
Some people actually come close to us and on the other hand some just pretend to be so...

The worst feeling ever is to realize that someone you considered very close to you deceived you very badly...

I m going through a similar feeling right now...

A feeling where I realized I was being a fool from past few months... I really dunno what pleasure people get in doing such things... Winning and breaking faith like a toy of glass...

In past also such things happened though they were not this bad but then I coped up with them may be because that was the time when I was close to my friends and we used to meet on daily basis... And they helped me to come out of it... 

But, someone truly said- "Sometimes the wrong persons teach us the right lessons in life"

Today as well, I have certain very good friends but they are not around me... So today when I find myself struck in this situation I truly understand how difficult and deadly life can ever be...

Trust me God, I m seriously very upset with you on this and I need time to come out of it... But, then, I am thankful to you for teaching me this...! Your li'l favorite kid Loves you :)) Muaah

Recover. Gain Strength. Rejuvenate. BOUNCE BACK!

I am trying to understand what is going on in my mind from past few weeks…. I am in a state of a strange dilemma… kinda suffering… trying super hard to come out of it!

I am being anti-social, destructive, restless, careless, unreasonable, emotionally unavailable, ignorant, cruel, rude and crazy!

It’s a part of me and I don’t mind being so…. But then… the changes in me are scaring me… It’s affecting my work out routine… my professional performance… personal life… and every damn thing!

Whenever, I find myself moving towards darkness and negativity I recall Spiderman III… Where I find negative powers all over me… Ruling my Heart & Mind!

As they say… Life is all about changes and phases…. This is also a phase.. The world is my playground… I am a player who is not in the best form at present but yes, I’ll certainly be fine….

Many good things did happen in last few days… I got my new car… And I am loving it… Though I still love my old one the most…. May be I am fond of the ‘first love thing’…. First job… first car… first home…. First…. Are always very close to my heart and soul…

I guess all I need is… a rejuvenating weekend outing... starting with a long long drive… without phone and net… all alone…. Isolation therapy is good at times…. I need to be alone…. Just me... my coffee… my camera… my running…. Myself!

I need to be with me… I feel I am running from myself… I don’t give a damn to people who don’t matter to me… but I am really concerned about certain people…. I think that’s what is bothering me like hell..

I wanna indulge in all good things where I can recharge myself back.... bring me back on track… I wanna listen to myself… Wanna spend time with my inner self… Together we’ll have good time… long walks, music, coffee, dark chocolates, photography… blogging, running.. And much more….

Dear God, please give me strength and guide me in the right direction…. I need you to be with me…. Your girl is missing you... Love you...

Man's World!

Nowadays, I see everyone in my friend’s list is getting either committed or married or engaged…. Well, congrats to all of them… And may God bless them… But, at times I feel, are they in hurry or I am being indifferent towards this marriage thing… God Knows!

I seriously feel, I need to do well in my career…. Though I am not anti-marriage, I’ll certainly get settled... but, I am not in hurry…. I am career- focused right now…. And that bothers me more than anything else…

They say, priorities change once you are married…. Well, may be… I dunno…. M not married yet so no comments… It might be right…

Now days, I find my committed friends giving advices to me that I should also get married or engaged or something like that…. During this discussion,  I discovered a male mindset which I found very disappointing.

While discussing, a guy said that gals who travel in their jobs are not marriageable and 2 others supported him…. Which shocked me…. hurt me and badly disappointed me… for me I am a girl who loves to travel!

Now, my simple question is guys can grow in their lives, guys can work wherever they like, guys can travel wherever they want for work…. Then WHY CAN’T GIRLS?

If a guy expects his girl to support him for his career moves, his decisions, his opportunities then WHY CAN’T A GIRL EXPECT THE SAME?

In which world am I living…. Which century… which environment…. Where people have changed their dress up sense, lifestyles, culture but the thought process is still so small and biased….

In the end in any relationship, whether it’s parental, couple, friendship, brother-sister or any other relation, its all about faith and trust… If it’s not there then relationship is of no use…

I have seen guys and girls cheating on their better halves in normal routine lives with a very settled boring jobs… what I feel is people cheat when they are bored of their monotonous life while for some people it’s simply their character which can’t be changed…. What is there to do with travel!

One should feel content and satisfied in their lifestyle and it can only be there when they will do well in their personal and professional lives…. I agree, with time priorities do change but does that mean you stop growing in life?

Every individual needs their space to grow, whether it’s personal or professional, whether it’s a girl or a guy… 

We live in a world where we are raised in a family where guys and girls are treated as equal…. They are provided with equal facilities and equal respect…. they dream individually…. To grow in their lives… At least, I can say this for myself…. I am really happy and proud to say that my family gave me and my brothers  kinda upbringing where we understand guys and gals deserves equal space…

I dunno why, I am so disappointed with this kind of mentality of guys…. I feel sorry for them…. Honesty, If they are like this then where are we moving… what kinda upbringing their kids will ever get…. Where our country will move…. Gosh! Even though guys pretend to be so modern and open minded that they wanna walk with a lady wearing a pair of jeans but not an independent outlook towards their career!

Well, may be it’s only me who thinks this way. But yes, It’s indeed sad...!

F.R.I.E.N.D.S Forever!

Today while driving to my office, I realized that I never ever dedicated any post to the people who deserve a special space in my life… It’s not very tough to count them though… 

Broadly I can say, it’s my friends & my family members…. 

Of course, there are other influential people as well… like my First bosses (Internship and first job) who played very important role and still deserve a very good space in my mindset and life… Who helped me to grow like a lost kid in the fish-market…. My Marketing Professor Late Mr S.K. Jaimini who helped me in taking very crucial decisions at the point where I was super confused… 

But, I specifically wanna dedicate this post to my Friends…..

In the morning while driving, I was thinking… I must have done really good deeds in past life to have people like the ones I have… Honestly, I am one of the toughest and most complicated people…. Very short tempered, bad, rude, moody and crazy… It takes hell lot of patience and concern to deal with me…. And life is busy so no one has time to devote… So, the people who jhelofy me without complaining are the ones who have spoilt me to the core… At times, they treat me like a small spoilt kid who dunno anything about life and people… And makes me realize so many things I ignore to notice… And I don’t appreciate but I love them for this.. I don’t know nor I have words to thank them for this.. :D

O dear God, I feel very privileged and lucky to have such people… It’s very difficult to find people who understand you so well… *touchwood*

I am not a very expressive person, so, most of the times... I am unable to speak what I feel… The good I feel is mostly hidden… but the bad I feel is mostly on my face… but having such people who even understand that  the expressions are temporary and kiddish… and the feelings I posses are real and true is a pure blessing…. 

I wish to write so much… but, I am running short of words… 

I have seen and met people, who are there for you only when you are happy, but the moment you are in tough situation or in a mid of a mood swing they drop you like a hot potato… I am not criticizing such people but I must say they can’t be anybody’s friend. People who switch their friends as per their requirement at that point of time are simply don’t deserve friendship…. And they are like an eye-opener which makes you realize…. People can be illusive…

But, all is well when the end is well…. And there is no end to true friendships… Me and my friends do fight like kids… but that only adds on to our understanding towards each other…. And then of course, they know me so well… that we rarely need too many words to patch up…. :-)

Dear God, Thank you so much for these people in my life…. You know what you have given me… Of course, you never forget to add some negative elements in my life to give me a “Disney movie” feel… And expect your princess to manage it all… :P

But, trust me I will… Because, I know You are with me…. And My people are with me… And together we’ll win the game… Love You… Muaah.. :D  :-)

My 25th Birthday…

I had a very strong urge to write blog post on my birthday… But, at the end of the day I was too tired to type anything….

It was my 25^th birthday so I had certain plans from past few months which were all thrashed due to my work…. Anyways, I still managed to enjoy my day… thanks to my family and friends…. I feel lucky to have them... :-)

I can sense winters in Delhi… The weather is changing… So is my mood… It’s pleasant and better…. Every time its winters... I feel a different world around me... A better... more beautiful and serene... And as I always say… Winters make me fall in love with everything around me…

On my birthday, someone told me 25 is the age after which many things start changing…. I dunno what it means actually… As far as maturity level is concerned... I am least bothered… brains & heart I don’t posses…. So what is left? May be metabolism level… :P

Anyhow, sometimes I find it very difficult to understand myself.. I ask myself where am I going… I am 25 now, but.. I still ask myself, In which direction I am going… will I be able to reach my destination this way or not and if yes, then when?

I have dreams, interests, destination, resolutions and so many things to do… And, I hate it when someone asks me about marriage plans… Man! I don’t have time for all that but I guess it’s very difficult to make people understand that… So, I have stopped trying…  I just say- “No plans”

I have noticed, lately I am being more social…. May be I have realized the feeling of being away from my friends… I have realized it’s very difficult to find people who truly understand you and still be with you… I have realized people we randomly meet can be deceptive... And, I have realized life changes….

But, honestly, I have no regrets so far… Yes, I am still not very sure about the path I am moving on will take me how far in the journey towards my destination… But, life is all about moving… And realizing…. And rectifying… And the most importantly…. Having FUN!!!

So, cheers to the upcoming life….:)))

And God, thanks for being there for me….  I Love you for giving me the best of parents, brothers and friends…. I really wanna thank you with all my heart…. And yes, you know the things I wanna change in my life… Please help me with that… I promise I will try to be your good girl… Love you… muaah :-))

The 'Friday' Feeling! \m/

Yesterday was Friday and while driving back home after a nice evening I was thinking on 'Fridays are truly awesome'... And its not just yesterday, I think of it on every Friday....

Though.. everyday is new... everyday is different with somewhat different feel...

Lets start with Mondays..
Mondays are very lethargic.. rarely charged up.. Unless I am looking forward to something meaningful! Although Mondays are start of a new week but as they say mornings are laziest part of the day... Mondays are the laziest day of the week..

Tuesday comes with a hope that thank God... Only 3 more days to go for Friday.. Lets work hard ;-)

Wednesday says yayy! Friday is near.... Lets finish up the tasks beforehand to avoid any last minute Friday hassles :D

Thursdays are usually busy... to wind up stuff and fix up few meetings for Friday.. So that I can enjoy my weekend without a guilt of not performing well..

And FINALLY, the Friday! ohh... Its a brilliant incomparable feel... very hard to describe...

Fridays are the best even if I remain busy in my office or do not party at all.. I still love Fridays... I love that different feel... "The Friday feel'... :D

Fridays are the even better when I am eagerly waiting for some movie to release... Last one I remember was 'Rockstar release' Friday.. I was crazily waiting for that one..

My weekends are usually working, so, anyhow Saturday- Sundays are special but I am rarely very sure about what I am gonna do on my weekend... Honestly, I love sleeping, cooking or just relaxing by doing nothing on weekends (provided they are off)...

Weekends are uncertain but Fridays are certainly rocking... :-)

Well, its almost 6 days to go for another Friday... But I guess the wait will start from Monday.. Till then I'll enjoy my weekend... Cheers!!

Happy Weekend dear God ;-)

Loving My Life! :-)

I dunno what really compelled me to write this post but anyways I am glad to be back here...

Life is being dynamic and eventful... Till last year I used to say I am not happy with my Job because of whatever reasons... I also had a fear in my mind that leaving it might leave me with regrets as the future is always uncertain... But honestly, I am proud to say that it was my best decision of the year to resign from that place.

As far as my present is concerned, touch-wood, I am happy :-)

Yes, life is full of ups and downs, successes and failures... surrounded by people who make you or break you.... Politics.... dirty games and so on.. But, whatever it may be I believe everything in life happens for a reason... Its good or bad is decided by the outlook we carry... 

It will be unfair if I'll say- I hate it when people around me play unfair games and make my life even more complicated.... I wish I could punch them hard on their face..

I would rather say- Yes, I do hate the dirt around but I am learning to fight for it... As life can not be a piece of cake every time, so meeting such people prepares me to fight for what is right and enable me to learn more about humans. (Of course, I'll always be an Anthropologist) ;-)

Well, no regrets from life... Although, I do miss my first job a lot... May be because I had real good people around me whom I'll cherish for the rest of my life... And yes, it was like my first love.. And deserves a special corner in my heart..

New in life is nothing much.... Or I would say so much that I am unable to gather it and jot it down.. ;-)

I keep meeting new people daily.. And like it... I am still a kid without any change so far in my thought processes... So, that ways I do face problems... Specially by trusting wrong people most of the times.. but that is again an integral part of life.. So, no complaints.

Recently, I spent hell lot of money on shopping... I purchased everything- clothes, shoes, bags, accessories, gifts and so on.... Last year, I used to feel that some part of me was not living or rather say was dead/dormant... Now, I feel... I can sense it... I am the same Deepika that I used be 2 years ago... :D

I feel things, good and bad... I m loving shopping again...  I love meeting my old pals.... Hanging out... I can feel feelings... praise music... appreciate beauty... And, I watch every interesting movie on its release weekend without a fail... I cherish my life... I love being busy... I love myself... I love my people.. I am in love with my life....

The only thing drastically changed is my frequency of writing blogs.. Many times I start with something then leave it in-between... May be I am too confused what all to write and what not....
But.. I'll try to write more as it helps me a lot personally to figure out what I am feeling... I can express well in words... in my mind emotions and thoughts are very vague and random... I can compile them in a post and analyse... :))

I'll end it here now, once again.. Thank You dear God... for everything you gave me... forgive me for the bad things I do intentionally/unintentionally.... I'll always be your favorite kid who will never do any wrong to anyone knowingly.. Please be there on my side and take care of my loved ones... Love you.. Muaah.. :-)