Saturday, December 12, 2020

Devil's year!


2020 was indeed a Devil's year. My year!

I know, I know it's not over as yet, but, it was a strangely comforting year for me, I know the case with most of the world is different.

I am so much in love with the whole situation of work from home, chilling and working at peace. I know the work hours are crazy but that's alright. I love keeping my devil mind busy with work or else it starts driving me mad.

The only thing I am badly missing this year is my workout, and have gained a lot of weight which I know will take time to go off, but I am somehow at peace. Other times I am on fire. :P

The whole year was kind of okay.... but, as I have a history with Decembers, my demons are hyper-active once again and I am finding it really hard to cope up with my own self. I think I would blame it on winters. I feel everything with a deeper intensity when the weather is cold. I am meant to be living in hot climates to avoid emotions. :P

Actually, it's not even proper winters as yet in Delhi, but this morning I could hear some loud clouds and they are giving me hopes for colder days ahead, that says messier mind!

I think I should read more on the correlation between mind and winters, at least for me it's something serious. Or maybe it's just full moon effect! 

Oh! and it's raining cats and dogs already, colder days ahead. 

Every time it's raining here in Delhi, I can't help thinking it must be snowing up on the mountains. I know I am crazy.

Rains are always a good start and it's just 7'o clock in the morning. Well, the beautiful start of my messy day. 

Dear God. please take care of my people. I love you. :)))

Friday, December 11, 2020

Damned



I was reading Bukowski this morning and I couldn't help connecting with his mind. It was all.. oh so soulful. Some days, I feel I am another him, other days I am Rumi.

Sometimes I feel scared... Scared of myself. I have seen myself doing things I never imagined I could do in my right mind. Stop eating food for days, stopped talking to people randomly,  leaving my job and just escaping away to random places, and blah blah blah. I can't handle my own mind most of the times!

I feel these days I am unable to manage my thoughts and feeling everything way too much.. this is again weirdly scary. And as a defense mechanism my mind is already plotting a plan which will be again somewhat unexpected... destructive maybe.

I am too old school to be alive in this era. Sometimes, I feel why can't I live like normal people, feeling fewer emotions and not attaching myself to anyone. I hate feeling too much. I feel I have a vulnerable soul, prone to emotional accidents. 

Can you recognize that feeling where you are dying... Feeling like thousand pins stuck in your head at the same time and you are unable to breathe, mostly late at nights and early mornings? Though there is no fixed time for this feeling this takes everything out of me and I can't stop thinking. I don't know if it is a disease! Ah maybe!

I feel I am damned. Maybe doomed. All at the same time. 

I am a happy person but I am an insane emotional fool. I can't get over my own thoughts and I am scared someday I will just do something absolutely crazy. On top of all this, I see dreams which are further destructive for my own self.

Ahh, whatever.

I don't know what all I just wrote. Some random stupid stuff. But I need to write, I badly need to express more. And I can't. And I hate it. 

Oh dear God, I need your help. Seriously. Help help help!

And please take care of my people. Love you.

Tuesday, November 5, 2019

Mindful Thoughtlessness,Thoughtful Mindlessness


It's not that I didn't miss you in the past year, I did and I wrote but it just didn't make it to the blog.

I have never been more mindless. I am blank than ever. My mind crosses more than a thousand thoughts every day. The things I decide in the morning sounds obsolete by the same evening and anything I think late at night sink away with the sunrise. But I know that's how I have become lately. This is some other form of mental illness. Mindlessness but peace. Another dimension. Different vibration.

It's hard to say anything, so I don't say anything. It's funny how stupid I find it, every time I write something. 

My dreams are weirder than ever. Crazy funny terrible terrific dreams. I wait for the night to begin my journey into my 'dreamworld', and my night usually never begins before morning. Well.

Sleeplessness. I don't know from when I started having sleepless nights, maybe from the day I stopped working out. It's all upside down. I don't know what's real anymore.

I wanted to mark my presence here. This month I am completing 10 years with Pearl. Though I know, when I will read this post... I will refuse to admit... it was my thoughts ruling it. Well.

Confused. Mindless. Funny. Stupid. Me.

Anyway. It's time to say goodbye. I will try to write again, something, something better. Maybe. Some other day.

Thank you, dear God, thank you for everything.