Devil's year!

2020 was indeed a Devil's year. My year!

I know, I know it's not over as yet, but, it was a strangely comforting year for me, I know the case with most of the world is different.

I am so much in love with the whole situation of work from home, chilling and working at peace. I know the work hours are crazy but that's alright. I love keeping my devil mind busy with work or else it starts driving me mad.

The only thing I am badly missing this year is my workout, and have gained a lot of weight which I know will take time to go off, but I am somehow at peace. Other times I am on fire. :P

The whole year was kind of okay.... but, as I have a history with Decembers, my demons are hyper-active once again and I am finding it really hard to cope up with my own self. I think I would blame it on winters. I feel everything with a deeper intensity when the weather is cold. I am meant to be living in hot climates to avoid emotions. :P

Actually, it's not even proper winters as yet in Delhi, but this morning I could hear some loud clouds and they are giving me hopes for colder days ahead, that says messier mind!

I think I should read more on the correlation between mind and winters, at least for me it's something serious. Or maybe it's just full moon effect! 

Oh! and it's raining cats and dogs already, colder days ahead. 

Every time it's raining here in Delhi, I can't help thinking it must be snowing up on the mountains. I know I am crazy.

Rains are always a good start and it's just 7'o clock in the morning. Well, the beautiful start of my messy day. 

Dear God. please take care of my people. I love you. :)))

In my Head!

Strange things are happening!

I finished my 3rd book this morning. 

Today, I got up at 6am, without any effort. Prepared my coffee and started reading. In between, prepared my breakfast, ate and continued with my book.

Weird thing is, every time I pick a book it somehow answers the question I have in the back of my mind or something I am thinking about at that very moment. Or may be we all know what we need to know, sometimes we need an external influence to realise what's inside our mind.

Like, few days back, before I thought of going back to my resolution of reading, I strongly felt I need a psychiatrist. I was unable to cope up with my head and I was strongly in need of help. At least that's what I felt. For me it's very difficult to talk to people, sometimes I hate being an introvert. And now a days, every Tom Dick and Harry is writing articles about mental health and blah blah. 

One strong reason was my messed up state of mind and other one was coming across these stupid posts on social media every now and then. 

Anyhow, in my opinion, restricting social media usage is somewhat peaceful!

Last Sunday evening, I saw a book store and randomly picked these books and decided to get back to reading. I casually decided to begin with "Veronica Decides to Die" by Paulo Coelho.

To my surprise, that book one by one when talked about madness, I found my answers for which I was seeking help and was feeling restless. I realized I no more need a psychiatrist and it's okay to be in a state where I am right now. Not everyone can feel with the same intensity.

The book left me wondering what just happened and I somehow ended up liking it, for how it answered my random questions.

The similar thing happened after finishing "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho too, it answered questions which were not even there in the first place. As if its some kind of Magic!

I was surprised for what it had done to my head.

When the book (Veronica..) was over, I was lost in my thoughts and I wished I could live a peaceful life in a small town and wrote on my blog about my craving for that slow life.

Right after Veronica.... I picked "The Choice" by Nicholas Spark.

Again, a wonderful thing happened, the story somehow left me feeling different. It was absolutely everything I would love to live. Slow peaceful adventurous life! As if someone gave beautiful words to my imagination. Except for the sadness in later part of the book I loved it thoroughly. It left me feeling happy.

In between all this, I was thinking, now a days I remember all my dreams and lately I have experienced similar dream twice! And somehow these dreams are leaving a strange impact on me. The end meaning is always similar!

Anyway, Friday night, I started reading my 3rd book which was "Sputnik Sweetheart" by Haruki Murakami. I found it dark and deep, not particularly a happy book to read. It was different experience though. Living through those dark thoughts and gloomy emotions!

I don't know why my brain is shouting out so loud. I have just finished Sputnik..., and I am still under it's effect. I might take few days to come out of it. Though I'll start my 4th one tonight. Hopefully!

This Sunday is going to be a busy one, winter is here and I have to look for my woolens, wash my summer wear and pack them back.. and few more chores to catch up with.

Let's see how it will turn out to be.

I don't really know what I just jotted down, cleared my head though. 

Hope to be here soon. 

Dear God, thanks for everything.

Happy Endings! :-)

How far should you go in the name of love?

Woohoo :) :)

I finished my second book, The Choice by Nicholas Spark! 

And I totally loved this one for so many reasons, one of which is I loved the story. My love for love stories made it easier for me to fall for another one, yet again. 

Story began beautifully, everything absolutely perfect. The kind of life I would love to have, slow and steady in a small and peaceful town. Life full of calm, excitement, happiness, adventure, friendship and most importantly love! Love so unexpected and spontaneous!

I know I am filmy and dramatic, but, I can't stop feeling happy, I started reading this one on this Wednesday evening and since then I was living in awe of it. The story was generic though, may be I was swayed away by the way it was written.

I skipped my walk for it, read it while I traveled for my meetings, waiting for client, sipping my coffee and when I was not reading it I found myself smiling thinking about it. Crazy!

And all this was when I am not even a book-nerd. Though reading is one habit I would sincerely like to cultivate. Something, I admire in people.

But honestly, I am more like looking at the moon, listening to music while I leisurely stroll in the evening kind of person. 

As I was reading this book, I was so anxious about what will happen next with every page I was turning. 

It was a perfectly simple story, and I visualized every situation in my head and I lived through it, experienced it. Ah, it was brilliant. 

Though with every complexity increasing in the end I was wishing for a happy ending with tears in my eyes. I am sure had it been a sad ending it would have affected me, somewhat seriously. Like, I remember watching a Disney movie lately which messed up my head for almost a week and I was unable to get over it, it killed something in me and getting over it was not easy, the name of the movie was "Bridge to Terabithia", it left me in tears and I cried through the night.

So much I hate tragic endings, no words can explain!

I somehow crave for things to turn better in every story I read or watch, as if its my innate need to see everything turning alright. 

Anyhow, I am going to start with my next one, Yayy :)

Dear God, I love you, please take care of my people. Muuuuaah :* :*

Oh no! I missed my Flight!

This nightmare is haunting me since the day I missed my flight for Chennai in Dec 2014, and to add on to it... I reached just 2 mins before the boarding gate closure for my Kolkata flight in March 2017. So, I know my brain is not at fault. It’s me. :(

It’s 5am… a beautiful Saturday morning and here I am… up with my eyes wide open, sipping coffee and waiting to leave for airport for a flight which is at 10am.

And… I need no alarm. My brain is strong enough. :P

So, last night I decided to sleep early… thinking I have to travel tomorrow so I’ll get up late by 8 or so and quickly rush to the airport. But no, my brain had some other plans... I couldn’t sleep before 12. :P

Then a beautiful dream started where I saw, I was playing cricket and missed my flight. I was up again at 1 am. :P

Ah! it was just 1, I slept again just to see another similar dream and was up at 4 am.

My my! My brain is so good and hyper active all the time during weekends. I am loving it. :P

On weekdays, I set 6 alarms to get up early... just to miserably fail at first 5 and push myself out of bed on 6^th and on weekends it’s absolutely a different story altogether. I crave to sleep till late but up at 5 or 6 am without any alarm and that too after sleeping late, sometimes very late.

I wanted to be in deep sleep at this hour where I am sitting on my bed and typing this as I sip my coffee... Anyway, that’s how may be my Saturday was supposed to begin.

Let’s see what’s in store for me today... By the way, I am too excited to travel to this new city.. yayy :D

Ahh and my eyes are hurting :P

Dear God, I LOVE YOU… Please take care of my people and please think over granting my wish we discussed this Thursday and wait… yesterday as well… Muuaah :*

Monsoon in Delhi!

I couldn’t find any better title. :P

Ah! Its monsoon in Delhi and I am more than happy. Rain makes me go crazy and adding music to it never fail to uplift my mood... not to mention the coffee effect when combined with these two, out of this world!

I came back from Rupin Pass, my recent trek last week and since then I am trying to write it down but not able to. It’s about too many feelings I am not able to gather words for. Though, I am not going to give up and I’ll keep trying to write.

In short, Rupin pass was everything beautiful from sceneries to experience to people! Everything much more than I expected. Everything I can never forget.

Recently, I have realised since the day I am back from my trek, I feel very different although I am always better after my every trek but this is slightly different. I feel more powerful and free and nothing looks difficult, as if everything is there I just need to go and get it. It's a wow feeling!

This week, my meetings went fabulous, I loved my normal daily routine more and enjoyed music more than ever. And not to forget I missed my trek, every day.

So many things going on in my head and I am not able to express it, I hate it. :(

Anyway, it’s weekend. Yayy :P

Dear God, help me clearing my head of the thoughts I am occupied with and please take care of my people. Love you, muuaah :*

Palomino!

Palomino is a name of a book written by Danielle Steele.

Some stories just touch our heart and we can’t get over them.

Palomino is one such story. It happened to me during my graduation days.

One day, I was casually talking to my friend about books and she suggested me to read Palomino. I borrowed it from her and read it, loved every bit of it.

I read few more books after that but nothing touched me like this one, I sensed every emotion deeply within. I cried, smiled and lost myself in the scenes I visualised while reading it. I lived every word of it with all my heart.

For last 3 years, I was emotionally dead... I missed being the girl I used to be, stupid, dumb and emotional fool. I was searching for the old me again. In quest of finding myself, I was doing things I used to do earlier, I visited my college campus, met old friends, tried cooking again, listened to old songs and blah blah...

When nothing worked, I decided to read Palomino again.

It’s not easy living a life with no feelings when you know it's not you, plus in last 3 years I met people who were way too practical in their lives... which further reassured me that I am a fool who even miss being emotional. :P

I searched for Palomino online and luckily got it on Amazon.

Yayy, I finally had own copy of my long lost love.

I started reading it every night.... I again visualised every word but this time the picture was different than the last time... Yes, I remembered the story I lived years back and every scene exactly how I visualised at that point of time.

This time the rooms were different, the house, the ranch, mansion, the flowers decorated were different, the scenes were picturised more realistically in my imagination and the story looked much more real than last time, this time the emotions were deeper and different... Yes, I cried again, I smiled again and I felt it again but with more intensity. I was happy and my frequencies were different now. (Yea, I talk Radio language :P)

To briefly describe Palomino (since the topic is Palomino, I think I should :P), Palomino is a breed of a horse. It’s a love story with ups and downs, it’s not just about roses and romance, it’s about the thorns and the dark side as well. It’s about losing everything and getting over it, moving on to something which was forever... losing hopes and finding it back... Oh! It’s just amazing.

Palomino is strong story of a tough woman. I loved it again and connected with it at a different wavelength, stronger than before.

I think I should try to sleep now.

Dear God, you know I love you. Please take care of my people. Please help my Grandpa recover soon and please please be there with him. I promise I’ll be a good girl. Muuuaah :-)

Oh! So Peaceful!

2016 is gone and it was really a short year for me. It was the most peaceful year for me in last 5 years.

And I am glad to say that I am happy with everything, at least, I don’t have anything to crib about. Although if I’ll try to think I still haven’t achieved so many things, things are not moving as per my plan, still so many travel destinations are pending, Disneyland and Bora Bora are still in my dreams; my crazy Goa plan is still a plan and added few more crazy things in my list pheew... I am way too far from starting my own venture, still not started playing squash regularly or mastered Golf or learned swimming but I am still very proud to say I am content. My mind is at peace and for me that’s more important.

So, in 2016, I have mastered the art of falling asleep within 5 minutes of lying down on bed, keeping myself first and prioritizing my family, being alone and at peace, not having an urge of talking and yes, I have started enjoying my food alone without feeling weird, I think I love food more than random people around. :P

I discovered my immense love for mountains than ever before, I can relate every love song with me and my love for mountains :P

I am somehow feeling freer than ever before.

Honestly, being content has nothing to do with my list of things or plans ahead. I am just poised in my present. And I would love to thank everyone who made this year a fantastic one.

Many good things happened for the first time this year and I would like to share the best ones-

My First experience with snow-

Snowline, Triund

Till 2015, it was just a dream for me to see snow in real and I never thought that the beginning of this year will come with snow for me.

I visited Triund and snowline in the month of January’16 where I saw snow for the first time, the feeling was awesome and I doubt words can ever explain it.

Snow covered mountains are pure bliss and soothe to eyes... Like I had done something really good to deserve this sight...

Chandratal-

Chandratal Lake

Chandratal was my dream for last 2 years and every time I was not able to do it for some reason or other. This year I finally got a chance to visit Chandratal. It was again an amazing feeling.. the lake, the trip, the trek and the people I met... everything was just brilliant. I am really thankful for everyone who made this experience so joyful and memorable for me.

It was a blessing for me.

Amazing People-

People play an important role in my life.

I don’t know if it is because of my sun sign which is Libra or what, but, yes, my life is the best when I am around good people.

“Good people” is a subjective term though everyone is good in one or the other way that depends what kind of person we are.

 I am old school. I still believe in things which people don’t care about and it’s difficult for me to find my tribe.

I met amazing people during my travels and realized world is a much better place. I am happy. :)

Trekking-

Travel makes us realise so much about life and diversity in the world, especially trekking.

Trekking taught me that there lies a beautiful life beyond material comfort, you can be at peace while sleeping in camps in wild, survive for days without fone or any internet, drink naturally flowing water from rivers, slide on snow without any gear in your bare clothes, enjoy your own company in nature and a lot more.

And the best one I learnt from mountains and rivers is the times passes no matter what, nothing stops for you, you have to keep moving like a river and stay strong like mountains.. Summer will come, winters will come and so will monsoon... Just stay calm and patient. 

Time is beyond our control but this life is ours. We can make it or destroy it.

                          

Aah, I wish to trek more. :)

Its winters... again.. in Delhi.

When its winters everything is so much better and so much beautiful.

Although, I know I need to travel more and figure out my career plan ahead.

Experiencing a snow fall is still on my priority list. I so wish to escape to Kashmir right now. :P

Thank you God for everything. You know I Love you.. Take care of my people.. Muuah :*

Happy New Year Pearl :)

Imtiaz Ali!

Well, this is my first ever post dedicated to an individual and that too not my favourite actor or singer or influential people in my life but to my favourite movie director- Imtiaz Ali.

I am a very filmy person and movies leave a great impact on me. This post might be a result of two disastrous movies I watched back to back this Saturday- “Ae Dil Hai Mushkil “and “Shivaay”.

To be very honest, I was super excited for ADHM and okay okay types for Shivaay but after watching them I was in a state of shock.

Every time I watch another disaster on big screen my desperation for Imtiaz’s next movie increases.

No matter what people say about Rockstar or Tamasha they were 2 of the finest Imi’s movies.

I loved Rockstar and still remember that very feel. I was on bed for 3 days... down with fever after watching that movie.

I don’t remember missing any of his movies till date (except Ahista Ahista) and I have always watched all of them on the release date...

I even remember the time in my life when each movie released-

Jab we met was released when I was in my graduation 3^rd year, we bunked our classes on Friday and rushed for the movie.

Love Aaj Kal came when I was doing my MBA, again we bunked classes and watched it and this time I had my semester exam on the next day :)

Rockstar was released when I was stuck in a painful job in a start-up company, I still remember how I managed to reach for the movie at 7.30pm... pheww but yes, I watched it on the date of release :)

Highway released when I was working in a bank, I had a pretty good life and great people around. And Alia’s character was something I still relate to...

Tamasha is a recent one, I loved it too... Ranbir’s hidden personality of a traveller was something I can relate so well with and I loved the movie as whole.

Socha na tha is one movie watched much later after the release date but it’s very close to my heart and I watched it more than 15 times, even today whenever I feel low I pick up a Disney movie or “Socha na tha”

Imtiaz’s movies are brilliant and never fail to amaze me... I am waiting for his next one with Srk which is still out of news so far. 

And honestly, I have no interest in talking about ADHM or Shivaay, Lucky are those who didn’t get tickets or believed the reviews... Yes, the reviews are all true. Both movies are disasters.

Dear God, I still love you with all my shocked heart and will always do. Take care of my people. Muuaah :)

I am scared!

It's killing me and I need to write this.

I am an introvert. And I am very comfortable with the fact.

I rarely express, even if I really want to I can’t, I can’t open up easily... Sometimes, I find it really hard to say a “Hi” forget about initiating a conversation with people on my own... And honestly.. I have tried changing it, but I failed miserably.

I have my people with whom I can talk for hours but not with everyone.

Even though I am courageous, strong and blah blah I have fears and they are as deep as my strengths.

I don’t really know if it’s a blessing or a curse to be emotionally vulnerable and feel everything with a very high intensity... Whether I am happy or excited or grateful or sad.... I feel everything intensely... And, I love these feelings till the time they are positive but when negativity rules... God save the world!

My biggest fear is – “People I have feelings for... destructing themselves“

I have very few close friends and I deeply feel for them, they are like my family and I can’t see them in pain... We have been together through very bad times and I am really proud of it. They believed in me when I gave up on myself!

But, being vulnerable is a curse and is badly bothering me because I develop feelings for people who are not even my friends but are good at heart and I can’t see them in a destructive phase... I am stupid I know... I shouldn’t be thinking about it at all, but, yes, I am really stupid and I can’t stop thinking...

I am scared of liars and manipulative people, I have learned I can’t deal with them, so, now, I don’t think over it. Whenever I realize someone is being manipulative I simply cut myself and stop talking to that person. Maybe that’s my defense mechanism.

I am highly anxious right now and something is killing me deeply... each day... every moment and I can’t talk about it... 

God, please please make it a bad dream... I really need to wake up from this.. Please help me.. I promise I will be a good girl :(

Please God, show me the way out... And please take care of my people... Love you.

The Jungle Book!

Happiness is watching your favorite childhood characters on "Big Screen" :-)

It was Friday evening.. 5.00 pm... Sitting in office I was craving to watch "The Jungle book"...

I know I can once again say "agar kisi cheez ko poori shiddat se chaaho toh poori kayanat usey tumse milane ki saazish mein lag jaati hai" and once again I experienced it :-))

This was the same excitement I used to have when I was a small kid... I was dying to watch it... :-)

Luckily we got tickets and yayyyy I was going to watch a 7.40pm show... Super Duper excited I quickly finished my work..

It was my Navratri fast and all of a sudden I wasn't hungry any more...

I left office... Called mom and told her I'll eat after the movie... And quickly rushed to the movie hall...

It started and every bit of it was just superb... I cherished my childhood days..

Movies are one of those very few things I can feel by all my heart.. And I truly loved it.

Somehow Disney movies manage to cheer me up every time and it's like a treat for my heart and soul. I feel so much more alive :-)

And just when I start feeling "feeling less" something like this happens to remind me I am still the same stupid girl... And I know I'll be Mowgli for few days now.... :D

I am waiting for "Fan" now... 

Monday is near and I should try sleeping... Sunday nights are the most terrible ones!

Good night pearl... Love you God.. Take care of my people... :)

10 things I learned in my 1 year @Mirchi

Today, on 11^th September I completed my first one year in this office. This is not the first office where I completed my 1 year but this one year was great in terms of learning. I learnt things which no book or work experience can teach ever.

I learnt practical things about life and people and I am glad I stayed here after all the storms and troubles.

So, beginning with my list of lessons-

1.      There can be a life with a background music

O yes, I clearly remember the day when I walked into this office for the first time, there was a music in background all the time. For a girl like me who loves music, office couldn’t be better. The only thing I prayed was to be a part of this organisation and as you can see, I am completing my 1 year here. :D

So , when something bad happens to me here I think about the music and cheer myself up instantly.

Learning- Music truly lightens up mood and makes life beautiful.

2.      Life is Filmy

I am a Disney princess and my life is always filmy, and here I feel I am living a movie in real... where i have paintings of bollywood actors all around me, music in background. Freedom to think and do what I like. Just WOW!

Learning- At times, Dream jobs are for real! :)

3.      You need to be your own HERO

Yes Sweetheart, you need to fight for yourself and stand up for what is right, even if it means standing all alone. But, trust me its all worth fighting for, it’ll only make you a stronger and a better person. So, when bad time hits badly, just hold on and fight. NEVER GIVE UP. In future it’ll help wherever you’ll go.

Learning- God keep on testing all of us, just have faith and carry on.

4.      Don’t believe what others think of you

 I know myself the best. Period.

Those who don’t even know me are no one to judge me or tell me who I am. I am introvert, silent, aggressive, mean blah blah blah. To hell with the opinions. I spent 27 years with me, so, I know the best. And in 27 years I met more than 27000 people to judge me. I don’t care anymore. Peace.

Learning- Believe in YOURSELF. That’s what matters in long run.

5.      Eating alone

Yes, I was always reluctant to eat alone in public, not because I lack courage, it’s because I love eating with people. In my all previous workplaces we used to eat food together always. But, here I learnt to eat my food alone. Though, I really hated it. I even stop carrying lunch to office for sometime, but, then I gradually adapted. If that’s how it is... LET IT BE, why should I suffer?

Learning- If it’s necessary for you do it, even if it means doing it alone.

6.      No, you cannot find friends everywhere

This reminds me of Ranbir Kapoor’s answer for an interview question (In office context though), he said “ there are times when I pick my fone and scroll down contacts list but out of more than 1000, I can’t find one to call and share my heart out”. Believe me, initially used to think with time I’ll make friends, I was sure as I think I am a good friend. But, it doesnt matter how nice you are, you can't always find friends. So, instead I have learnt to work without them. Though even if I believe it’s great to have friends, I can do without having any in office.

Learning- I am now very comfortable being alone in office. People you need to impress can never be your friends.

7.      Everything happens for a reason

Yeah, though I need answers for many things happened. I need to know the reason behind :P

Just kidding, everything happens for a reason for sure and I always got my reverts from God. I believe in supreme power and I am sure anyone can be unfair to me but God can never be. I am his favourite Kid and I have blind faith. This one is for you, God- Muuuaaah ;-)

Learning- Trust the power above when you are restless.

8.      You cannot change everything

Though I know it’s obvious, I am no God. But, at times I really want to change certain things and it’s the only point where sometimes I feel really upset. But, as they say life is not always a bed of roses. Disney princess will have to fight a few villains anyways :P

Learning- Problems really makes us feel alive.

9.      People will judge you anyway

Yo, it’s very true. No matter what you say or do, good or bad, right or wrong, people will judge you. So, really do whatever you like, in a way you are comfortable with. At least please yourself because it’s really worth it.

Initially I used to attend all office parties thinking that they are my office people I should know them and I never enjoyed it for 1 good reason I never had friends here. And if they are not my friends it doesn’t matter what they think. So, if you want to skip a few parties you don’t enjoy go ahead and do it, anyways it doesn’t matter as long as you are happy doing it.

Learning- Do things for your people and please yourself, not everybody.

10.  There are happy workplaces in REAL!

Yes Yes there are and mine is one. So, it doesn’t really matter if I have friends or not, or I eat alone, I like working here. I am happy when I enter my office with background music, happy faces, colourful walls, creative and independent work culture. I am in love with it!

Whether I talk to people or not I find myself attached to them automatically I dunno how, its the culture bond we share. So many happy people around and it all seems like blessing to me.

Learning- Second time I am in love with my workplace. First was my first Job!

Dear God, I would like to thank you for everything. Be there with me always. And bless my people. I love you :)) muaah