I will Love You till Eternity!

When I first heard this word 'Eternity' in the context of 'Love', I opened my big hard-cover dictionary to find out its meaning.

At that time, the internet was not that popular and we had one common desktop at home. I am talking about 2006 and I was in my graduation.

I have grown up in a very different set-up. We lived in a small house, a big house in a joint family, celebrating all big-small festivals, birthdays and anniversaries together with homemade delicacies. Always close to my grandparents.

All I have seen and believed is families are meant to be together, during all thick and thin and love stays forever in good and bad times. Money is important for a living but life can be blissful even with less of it.

I have seen my grandpa and grandma growing old together with 75 years of togetherness. And for better or worse, I belong to the same school of thought in the era of temporary everything.

Back during my MBA days, I remember writing a blog post on “How my biggest fear was getting married to a person I am not in Love with”, today my fears are even deeper.

I am shit scared.

A few days back, I met a friend while traveling. She was the wife of my ex-colleague. I still remember the time I met them back in November 2010 and I precisely remember it because we visited Trade Fair together which happens in November every year.

I always thought they were meant to be, perfect for each other. It was a love marriage after 2 years of courtship. And I loved listening to their story, it was my favorite.

When I met her recently, I was shocked to know they are separated. And for the most common reason, the guy cheated on her and asked for the divorce.

It was heart-breaking for me and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I don’t know how to express this but I am really scared. It's not the first and only story I know which ended like this.

People usually say I am brave because I travel solo and go on adventures, but, I believe solo travel is easy, real strength lies in surviving these relationship traumas.

It’s easy to travel in any corner of the world knowing that you have someone in your life with you, on whom you can blindly trust, but living in a devastating relationship is the most painful and brave thing ever.

I am really feeling terrified for the past few days for I don’t know what all, maybe because of Venus Retrograde and Taurus moon or I don’t know why.

Dear God, please give me strength. I don’t have too many expectations but please help me in getting rid of the pain I am in. And take care of my people. Muuah.

I miss my people! :-(

My thoughts are looking for words which I am unable to gather.

I am happy still I feel something is terribly wrong.. may be I need to do certain things... may be I need to leave everything and run away to a far away land and hibernate.

I feel lucky to have whatever I have... my people.. my family... a job to earn money to travel.... but.. still I feel my life is not going in a direction I want it to be...

I don't know what's different.. life was like this 5 years back too but still everything is different..  I am back to square one from where I started but I terribly miss certain people in my life..

I know I am god's favorite girl and whatever happens in my life is for my good..  but it's killing me... I wish I could have certain people back...

For me.. I feel everything feels alright when I am with my loved ones... no matter difficult life is... I carry on without regrets.. and in all this sometimes I go helpless.. no matter how strong I pretend to be.

I do have my family and friends but... then... I miss certain people from past... I miss the girl I used to be with them... totally stupid, immature, childish.. and still loved..

When I had a bad job and tough time.. it never looked difficult... and today I have a good job... happy life and it all looks incomplete...

I hate writing things which are not happy... and worst thing today is I find it very difficult to even write anything...

There are days when I feel happy.. genuinely happy but I can't express it to anybody.. or sad for that matter... I force myself to sleep.. but I can't write...

Some days.. I just go blank and depressed for no good reason... I keep asking myself what's wrong with me! And I don't get an answer.

Once I prayed to be numb and emotionless... God gifted me that too and today that numbness is killing me because it's not me... :-(

I feel it's not just my people I miss but I miss myself too..  may be I can't be what I was with them with anyone else...

Something died in me over all these years and I am not liking it anymore...

God, please give my people back... life looks so impossible and hollow without them... enough it is... I know I am stupid and idiot but I promise I'll try my best to improve...

Please... :-(

P.S.- please don't leave any comments on this.

Mind your Own Business- Seriously! :P

a

Next month on 15th February, I’ll complete 5 years of my professional life... Yes, FIVE long years... ;-)

And... After devoting all these years to my work life... I sincerely believe college life was the best in terms of certain things... This nowhere means I am not enjoying my life now... Yes, I am truly in love with the life I am living... Financial independence, responsibility, having the freedom to speak up and manage my time and money as per my own convenience, having a social life without a stress of finishing assignments and so on... And being single along with all this is an icing on the cake.... ;-)

This phase of life is indeed one of the best that could have happened... But in all this there is something which was still the best in college...

I remember in my MBA batch we had people from across the country.... They all were quite diverse in terms of culture, language, persona but they were all accepted as friends and there was no judgement about them on the basis of appearance or anything... The only thing which actually counted was their talent and brain!

But, on the contrary, professional life is very different... I often hear people talking about others' dress up... Lifestyle... Food habits... And they rarely appreciate the talent, brains and the hard work... Seriously, sometimes I feel like asking them... is this the job they are getting paid for....? Or is this what they learnt all their life from their family & teachers... Where is that education?

Education teaches us equality, not discrimination!

In School,  I have learnt “Sangati ka asar” and trust me I don’t wanna opt for this mindset!

3 months back... while working as usually... I heard a dialogue...And it affected me deeply... It was-

Guy A (to Guy B &  Guy C)-  yaar, XYZ ke paas lagta hai ek hi pair hai shoes ka, do hafte se dekh raha hu wohi pehen ke aa jata hai...

Guy B- Silent

Guy C- Silent (giggling)

I mean, really? Why can’t people stand against wrong... listening to wrong statements and not taking your stand is equally bad.... it’s actually an encouragement to the one doing it...

And listening to this I really felt like telling him "dude, you need a life" is this what people are supposed to talk and do in office... We live in a country like India where many people don't get clothes to wear, food to eat and we can still manage to talk like this.... then crib about better government... What govt. will do when people are carrying such mindset... Where is the education, actually?

For me I know I am least bothered about what I wear, forget about others... And I believe that’s what I have learnt throughout my life... To respect people for what they are as a human being and not on their appearances....

You can't judge a person on a pair of shoes...  I am a kinda girl who may repeat a pair of shoes/denims for 2-3-4 months if I love it without touching 50 more I may have... How can we be judgmental about such stupid things... And believe me after listening to this... I respect the guy who can carry himself in same pair for dunno how long, but, I somehow lost respect for the guy judging it...

Whatever we say about others speak a lot about ourselves, so, when we point a finger on someone we should first look at ourselves...

Now, if I go back to my college days... this was something I never felt and in fact, if this would have happened in college I am very much sure no one would have supported such loose remark... That’s what education really means...

Well, I dunno... May be this is how most of the people are in offices... May be!

There were many other things I miss about college like fighting for lunch box, bunking, planning businesses etc. :P things but luckily for me that's not specific  to college only... I was blessed with such people afterwards as well... ;-)

Although, life is perfectly great in terms of everything but sometimes I wish I could change certain things which I believe should be changed....

Anyhow, thank you God for such a brilliant and beautiful life with of course lots of troubles :P.. I love you for being there... Take care of my people... Amen! :*