Devil's year!

2020 was indeed a Devil's year. My year!

I know, I know it's not over as yet, but, it was a strangely comforting year for me, I know the case with most of the world is different.

I am so much in love with the whole situation of work from home, chilling and working at peace. I know the work hours are crazy but that's alright. I love keeping my devil mind busy with work or else it starts driving me mad.

The only thing I am badly missing this year is my workout, and have gained a lot of weight which I know will take time to go off, but I am somehow at peace. Other times I am on fire. :P

The whole year was kind of okay.... but, as I have a history with Decembers, my demons are hyper-active once again and I am finding it really hard to cope up with my own self. I think I would blame it on winters. I feel everything with a deeper intensity when the weather is cold. I am meant to be living in hot climates to avoid emotions. :P

Actually, it's not even proper winters as yet in Delhi, but this morning I could hear some loud clouds and they are giving me hopes for colder days ahead, that says messier mind!

I think I should read more on the correlation between mind and winters, at least for me it's something serious. Or maybe it's just full moon effect! 

Oh! and it's raining cats and dogs already, colder days ahead. 

Every time it's raining here in Delhi, I can't help thinking it must be snowing up on the mountains. I know I am crazy.

Rains are always a good start and it's just 7'o clock in the morning. Well, the beautiful start of my messy day. 

Dear God. please take care of my people. I love you. :)))

Damned

I was reading Bukowski this morning and I couldn't help connecting with his mind. It was all.. oh so soulful. Some days, I feel I am another him, other days I am Rumi.

Sometimes I feel scared... Scared of myself. I have seen myself doing things I never imagined I could do in my right mind. Stop eating food for days, stopped talking to people randomly,  leaving my job and just escaping away to random places, and blah blah blah. I can't handle my own mind most of the times!

I feel these days I am unable to manage my thoughts and feeling everything way too much.. this is again weirdly scary. And as a defense mechanism my mind is already plotting a plan which will be again somewhat unexpected... destructive maybe.

I am too old school to be alive in this era. Sometimes, I feel why can't I live like normal people, feeling fewer emotions and not attaching myself to anyone. I hate feeling too much. I feel I have a vulnerable soul, prone to emotional accidents. 

Can you recognize that feeling where you are dying... Feeling like thousand pins stuck in your head at the same time and you are unable to breathe, mostly late at nights and early mornings? Though there is no fixed time for this feeling this takes everything out of me and I can't stop thinking. I don't know if it is a disease! Ah maybe!

I feel I am damned. Maybe doomed. All at the same time. 

I am a happy person but I am an insane emotional fool. I can't get over my own thoughts and I am scared someday I will just do something absolutely crazy. On top of all this, I see dreams which are further destructive for my own self.

Ahh, whatever.

I don't know what all I just wrote. Some random stupid stuff. But I need to write, I badly need to express more. And I can't. And I hate it. 

Oh dear God, I need your help. Seriously. Help help help!

And please take care of my people. Love you.

Mindful Thoughtlessness,Thoughtful Mindlessness

It's not that I didn't miss you in the past year, I did and I wrote but it just didn't make it to the blog.

I have never been more mindless. I am blank than ever. My mind crosses more than a thousand thoughts every day. The things I decide in the morning sounds obsolete by the same evening and anything I think late at night sink away with the sunrise. But I know that's how I have become lately. This is some other form of mental illness. Mindlessness but peace. Another dimension. Different vibration.

It's hard to say anything, so I don't say anything. It's funny how stupid I find it, every time I write something. 

My dreams are weirder than ever. Crazy funny terrible terrific dreams. I wait for the night to begin my journey into my 'dreamworld', and my night usually never begins before morning. Well.

Sleeplessness. I don't know from when I started having sleepless nights, maybe from the day I stopped working out. It's all upside down. I don't know what's real anymore.

I wanted to mark my presence here. This month I am completing 10 years with Pearl. Though I know, when I will read this post... I will refuse to admit... it was my thoughts ruling it. Well.

Confused. Mindless. Funny. Stupid. Me.

Anyway. It's time to say goodbye. I will try to write again, something, something better. Maybe. Some other day.

Thank you, dear God, thank you for everything. 

Caffeinated, Forever!

Addictions are difficult.

Difficult to live with, 

Difficult to get rid of!

Going through the list of ringtones available in my handset, I came across this "Caffeinated Rattlesnake" tone, anything with caffeine attached to its name has a special significance in my life.

I am addicted to caffeine and I think its the most difficult habit for me to get rid of. Good 16 years I have spent caffeinating myself every single day!

One fine morning, I decided to find out a solution to move over this addiction, as usual, I thought of Mr. Google, my savior for a majority of the practical problems prevailing in my life, at any point of time.

I came across this habit formation theory of minimum 21-days. This theory states that if you continue to do something for 21 days or more you can form a habit or may get rid of it. Its very a controversial statement though and is contradicted by many researchers over a period of time.

In the 1950s, Dr. Maxwell Maltz, a well-known plastic surgeon observed a strange pattern among his patients, he claimed that it usually takes 21 days for any of his patients to accept their new look or to get used to his/her new features modified by plastic surgery. This theory was further contradicted and backed by many types of research where it was observed a minimum of 66 days were required to form any new lifestyle change or modify any habit. Pheww!

Despite all the researches done, it's very funny, how can someone get rid of a habit he or she spent 16 years forming in just 21 days or for that matter 66 days. It's not even practical.

Even if I try to recall, in the last 16 years I have only quit coffee once, I am very proud to say this though, but, the reason was not even acceptable. I never decided and quit even at that point, there was this time in life when I used to forget drinking coffee, forget almost everything including water and food. And I clearly remember it was my internship period during my MBA days, what a terrible time to recall! Ah, anyway. 

But on a very serious note, now, I believe its high time to get rid of this pain and try to live like basic people. Oh! I am one of those 'basic people', already, actually. :P

Of course, most of the stupid things, I do, nowadays is primarily because of coffee, and that's one bad habit I can discuss on my blog. :P

I will talk about my sweet addiction, some other day. First, Coffee!

Let's see, when will I grow up and finally get over this weakness. I think I need another coffee now.

Dear God, I know it's no point asking for anything, you'll do whatever you like, You are the Boss. Just take care of my people. :*

I will Love You till Eternity!

When I first heard this word 'Eternity' in the context of 'Love', I opened my big hard-cover dictionary to find out its meaning.

At that time, the internet was not that popular and we had one common desktop at home. I am talking about 2006 and I was in my graduation.

I have grown up in a very different set-up. We lived in a small house, a big house in a joint family, celebrating all big-small festivals, birthdays and anniversaries together with homemade delicacies. Always close to my grandparents.

All I have seen and believed is families are meant to be together, during all thick and thin and love stays forever in good and bad times. Money is important for a living but life can be blissful even with less of it.

I have seen my grandpa and grandma growing old together with 75 years of togetherness. And for better or worse, I belong to the same school of thought in the era of temporary everything.

Back during my MBA days, I remember writing a blog post on “How my biggest fear was getting married to a person I am not in Love with”, today my fears are even deeper.

I am shit scared.

A few days back, I met a friend while traveling. She was the wife of my ex-colleague. I still remember the time I met them back in November 2010 and I precisely remember it because we visited Trade Fair together which happens in November every year.

I always thought they were meant to be, perfect for each other. It was a love marriage after 2 years of courtship. And I loved listening to their story, it was my favorite.

When I met her recently, I was shocked to know they are separated. And for the most common reason, the guy cheated on her and asked for the divorce.

It was heart-breaking for me and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I don’t know how to express this but I am really scared. It's not the first and only story I know which ended like this.

People usually say I am brave because I travel solo and go on adventures, but, I believe solo travel is easy, real strength lies in surviving these relationship traumas.

It’s easy to travel in any corner of the world knowing that you have someone in your life with you, on whom you can blindly trust, but living in a devastating relationship is the most painful and brave thing ever.

I am really feeling terrified for the past few days for I don’t know what all, maybe because of Venus Retrograde and Taurus moon or I don’t know why.

Dear God, please give me strength. I don’t have too many expectations but please help me in getting rid of the pain I am in. And take care of my people. Muuah.

Snowy Christmas- Kedarkantha! :-)

I am a girl who believes in Santa Claus and God never misses any chance to keep my belief intact. And this time, I celebrated Christmas in the mountains at Kedarkantha trek.

It was my dream to celebrate snow covered white Christmas like they used to show in classic Christmas and Disney movies which as a kid I used to watch every year with great excitement. :-)

This year I finally celebrated my snowy dreamlike Christmas. This was very special to me because of 3 things, firstly, it was in snow clad mountains, for which I was longing for last 6 months; secondly, it was a beautiful trek and thirdly, the amazing people I met during my trip.

My year couldn’t have ended any better and this trip made my fantastic 2017 even more beautiful.

Kedarkantha was a 6-day long trek (2 days for to & fro from Sankri base camp) and it was an unplanned solo trip.

Trek in brief-

Maximum Altitude- 12500 ft

Weather- Snowy/Sunny/Dead cold

Grade- Very Easy

Trek distance- Approx. 20 km in 4 days

                                                                                      

The journey started from Dehradun, so, I reached a day in advance and decided to sleep. :P

Day 1- Dehradun to Sankri, Nostalgic Morning

Next morning we all assembled at Dehradun railway station, and all this while I was terribly missing my Rupin Pass trip. Rupin was something which words can never define and I was feeling very emotional.

At the railway station, I met 5 more people traveling for the same trek from Bombay and we shared a cab till base camp and from that moment we formed an instant connection. All the way we were talking, laughing and clicking pictures, it was almost an 8-hour long journey which never felt this long.

We reached Sankri and decided to celebrate Christmas Eve, we 6 went to the local market searching for Plum cake and we couldn’t find any cake, to begin with, mutually we decided to celebrate our eve with Hot Chocolate at night after dinner. We bought a big packet of hot chocolate and milk powder and we were all super excited. Yayyy! :D

After dinner, we talked and talked till the time we were super sleepy, and decided to push back our Hot Chocolate celebration post trek. :P

Day 2- Juda Ka talab (4 km walk, 9100 ft)

Technically, this was our first day of the trek. We started walking around 9.30am, it was a very short and sweet walk of 4 km.

Leisurely we walked, clicked pictures, listened to the music, ate Maggi on the way and reached our first campsite “Juda ka Talab” by 12.30pm despite taking 4-5 decent breaks. :P

This place was dead cold, the campsite was near a frozen lake as the name says "Juda Ka Talab".

It was a Christmas day, my coldest Christmas ever. The temperature was around -6 degrees in the night but it felt like -20 degrees because of the cold air.

I slipped inside my sleeping bag around 6pm, I was helplessly dying of cold even after wearing so many layers. 

Skipped my dinner, dessert, and everything just to realize I was unable to sleep because of the weather and had to anyway get up for the loo at night. :(

A terribly cold night it was and somehow I was scared of it, that frozen lake looked haunted at midnight :P

I somehow managed to pass that night.

Day 3- Juda ka talab to Kedarkantha Base Camp (4 km, 11250 ft)

The morning was much better, as it always is! :)

We again clicked pictures with the Frozen lake, talked, had breakfast and left for the next campsite around 9.30am.

Easy day again, we reached our base camp in a short while and had a long day to chill. It was a beautifully sunny day in the snow.

We played cards and I learned to play ‘bluff’ while waiting for our lunch.

After finishing our delicious meal, we decided to go for a walk and play on the snow. So we 7-8 people roamed around and looked for big snow covered ground where we played cricket, catch-the-snowball, snow fight and many other games on the snow, again clicked pictures and had a great time. 

We realized it was already 4.30pm and was time for our acclimatization walk. We walked back to our camps and after a short briefing session and tea break, we left for our acclimatization walk.

By 6pm we were back, had soup and chit-chatted while we waited for dinner.

Post dinner, we all were looking at the stars standing in a circle. What a beautiful night sky!

After a while, one of our trek guides reminded us that we have to get up at 2.30 am for Summit and we should sleep.

We all slept around 10.30-11pm.

Day 4- Summit Day & Back to Hargaon Campsite (6 km, 12500ft)

I took this responsibility of waking everyone up at 2.30am, but somehow I was too lazy this time.

Maybe I was self-assured that it’s an easy trek and I will manage :P

All this while I ate a lot, ate Maggi, skipped morning stretches and most importantly, I got up at 3am instead of 2 on Summit day :P

Anyhow, I ensured everyone was up and we were all ready by 4.30 am.

This was our best day of the trip, we started our climb in -3 degrees at 4.30am.

As our trek leader ordered, I was supposed to walk in the end of the queue and for the first time, I didn’t feel bad about it because that’s how a “Wolf Pack” walks. Strongest ones in the end!

Me along with my “groupmates”, yes, it was a group now, walked in the end. Clicking pictures, drinking our favorite “Magic drink” ;-), taking long breaks and having the time of our lives! :))

Even on our summit day, our group took long breaks, cherished the most beautiful sunrise and together we reached on the peak-top by 9am.

All this while, we were laughing, talking and having fun. While coming back, we took Maggi break, slid on the snow, played on the snow and in a very slow pace we walked enjoying it thoroughly.

We reached base camp at 2pm, had lunch and proceeded to our campsite of the day “Hargaon Campsite”

It was a crazy fun day, none of us was tired. We were laughing and chilling as if Summit was a cake walk! :))

And while walking we planned our post trek celebration!

We reached our last campsite around 4.30pm and had yummy “Samosas”.

Post that we were busy planning our party and celebrations, next day was supposed to be our stay in Sankri after final descend and post that our drive to Dehradun (a day after), but we decided to proceed to Rishikesh directly on our ‘day 5’ for River Rafting instead of staying at Sankri to save our one day.

This evening was amazing, we talked till 11pm and though we all were dead sleepy because of the Summit day, we refused to sleep till the time our trek guide came to remind us we were disturbing other people.

What an amazing sleep I had this night.

Day 5- Final descend to Sankri and Rishikesh travel

As usual, I was up by 5.30 am, in dead cold and dark morning. I came out of my camp stared the starry night sky for the last time, brushed my teeth and realized there was a bonfire at a short distance.

We were not allowed to lit fire around campsites, so I was curious to know what is it!

I walked closer to the fire to realize it was local people from some other trek group and since they were localites they had permissions to break the rules. I asked if I could join them, and they merrily welcomed me. :)

We talked, they shared stories of Kedarkantha, Har Ki Dun, Chopta and their village life.

I had my coffee with them, they arranged hot water and as usual, I had a coffee packet in my pocket :P

We talked till sunrise, and I saw my group waking up. I took permission to leave.

I joined my people, we planned our day ahead.

After breakfast, we started our descent which was a short 6km walk and we covered it quickly. 

Reaching the guest house, I quickly took a cold shower and was all set to leave.

We left for Rishikesh post lunch.

On the way, we had dinner in Mussoorie and reached Rishikesh by 12.30am.

Day 6- The Closure- River Rafting in Winters

I have no words to explain what a warm and cozy sleep I had on a bed with a quilt. :))

In the morning, someone woke me up by banging on the door and I realized it was 8.30am and we had to leave for rafting.

This was my 4^th time with rafting and first time rafting in winters. I enjoyed it while I was dying of cold.

After rafting, we came back to our hotel and quickly packed our stuff to leave.

We had our last lunch meal together at the famous “Chotiwala” and from there we parted ways for our respective destinations.

I booked my train from Haridwar.

It was a nostalgic moment and felt like I am bidding adieu to my very close people.

In the train, I was looking at the pictures we clicked and was missing it badly.

I was back home in Delhi by 11.45pm.

My Kedarkantha trek was brilliant and one of my best trips. This was my gift from Santa Claus and I am really grateful for it.

And while writing I just realized we completely forgot about our "Hot Chocolate" Plan! :))

Dear God, I love you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for making this year so special, thank you for Rupin and Kedarkantha and Goa and Siliguri and everything I experienced this year. I love you.. Muaah :)

Please take care of my people! :-)

All these pictures above except the first one of the post are clicked and contributed by my trek group members. 

This time I clicked very few pictures, some are as follows-

In my Head!

Strange things are happening!

I finished my 3rd book this morning. 

Today, I got up at 6am, without any effort. Prepared my coffee and started reading. In between, prepared my breakfast, ate and continued with my book.

Weird thing is, every time I pick a book it somehow answers the question I have in the back of my mind or something I am thinking about at that very moment. Or may be we all know what we need to know, sometimes we need an external influence to realise what's inside our mind.

Like, few days back, before I thought of going back to my resolution of reading, I strongly felt I need a psychiatrist. I was unable to cope up with my head and I was strongly in need of help. At least that's what I felt. For me it's very difficult to talk to people, sometimes I hate being an introvert. And now a days, every Tom Dick and Harry is writing articles about mental health and blah blah. 

One strong reason was my messed up state of mind and other one was coming across these stupid posts on social media every now and then. 

Anyhow, in my opinion, restricting social media usage is somewhat peaceful!

Last Sunday evening, I saw a book store and randomly picked these books and decided to get back to reading. I casually decided to begin with "Veronica Decides to Die" by Paulo Coelho.

To my surprise, that book one by one when talked about madness, I found my answers for which I was seeking help and was feeling restless. I realized I no more need a psychiatrist and it's okay to be in a state where I am right now. Not everyone can feel with the same intensity.

The book left me wondering what just happened and I somehow ended up liking it, for how it answered my random questions.

The similar thing happened after finishing "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho too, it answered questions which were not even there in the first place. As if its some kind of Magic!

I was surprised for what it had done to my head.

When the book (Veronica..) was over, I was lost in my thoughts and I wished I could live a peaceful life in a small town and wrote on my blog about my craving for that slow life.

Right after Veronica.... I picked "The Choice" by Nicholas Spark.

Again, a wonderful thing happened, the story somehow left me feeling different. It was absolutely everything I would love to live. Slow peaceful adventurous life! As if someone gave beautiful words to my imagination. Except for the sadness in later part of the book I loved it thoroughly. It left me feeling happy.

In between all this, I was thinking, now a days I remember all my dreams and lately I have experienced similar dream twice! And somehow these dreams are leaving a strange impact on me. The end meaning is always similar!

Anyway, Friday night, I started reading my 3rd book which was "Sputnik Sweetheart" by Haruki Murakami. I found it dark and deep, not particularly a happy book to read. It was different experience though. Living through those dark thoughts and gloomy emotions!

I don't know why my brain is shouting out so loud. I have just finished Sputnik..., and I am still under it's effect. I might take few days to come out of it. Though I'll start my 4th one tonight. Hopefully!

This Sunday is going to be a busy one, winter is here and I have to look for my woolens, wash my summer wear and pack them back.. and few more chores to catch up with.

Let's see how it will turn out to be.

I don't really know what I just jotted down, cleared my head though. 

Hope to be here soon. 

Dear God, thanks for everything.

Happy Endings! :-)

How far should you go in the name of love?

Woohoo :) :)

I finished my second book, The Choice by Nicholas Spark! 

And I totally loved this one for so many reasons, one of which is I loved the story. My love for love stories made it easier for me to fall for another one, yet again. 

Story began beautifully, everything absolutely perfect. The kind of life I would love to have, slow and steady in a small and peaceful town. Life full of calm, excitement, happiness, adventure, friendship and most importantly love! Love so unexpected and spontaneous!

I know I am filmy and dramatic, but, I can't stop feeling happy, I started reading this one on this Wednesday evening and since then I was living in awe of it. The story was generic though, may be I was swayed away by the way it was written.

I skipped my walk for it, read it while I traveled for my meetings, waiting for client, sipping my coffee and when I was not reading it I found myself smiling thinking about it. Crazy!

And all this was when I am not even a book-nerd. Though reading is one habit I would sincerely like to cultivate. Something, I admire in people.

But honestly, I am more like looking at the moon, listening to music while I leisurely stroll in the evening kind of person. 

As I was reading this book, I was so anxious about what will happen next with every page I was turning. 

It was a perfectly simple story, and I visualized every situation in my head and I lived through it, experienced it. Ah, it was brilliant. 

Though with every complexity increasing in the end I was wishing for a happy ending with tears in my eyes. I am sure had it been a sad ending it would have affected me, somewhat seriously. Like, I remember watching a Disney movie lately which messed up my head for almost a week and I was unable to get over it, it killed something in me and getting over it was not easy, the name of the movie was "Bridge to Terabithia", it left me in tears and I cried through the night.

So much I hate tragic endings, no words can explain!

I somehow crave for things to turn better in every story I read or watch, as if its my innate need to see everything turning alright. 

Anyhow, I am going to start with my next one, Yayy :)

Dear God, I love you, please take care of my people. Muuuuaah :* :*

Books & Me!

Reading a good book is like living in awe of it till the time it's over, 
and then, thinking about it for few days with a heavy heart.

My only resolution of 2017 was reading 25 pages every night before going to sleep and as usual I successfully failed at it. 

I have a decent history of failing at keeping my resolutions and somehow, I have accepted it. But anyhow I still try! Stubborn me.

Recent Sunday, I decided to revive my resolution and read at least few books in this year, though, I have finished 3 in 9 months, on Sunday, I bought 5 books and decided to give it a serious try to finish them by this Christmas.

The first one I started was 'Veronica decides to die' by Paulo Coelho which I finished in 2 days, I intentionally started with the thinnest one to regain my faith that I can do it.

And it gave me an assurance that I can think of finishing 4 more in the decided timeline.

I somehow believe deactivating my social accounts is proving to be fruitful. (No, I can't do things in moderation, if want to reduce something, I need an absolute cut-off). 

Lately, I have started carrying my book with me, to meetings, to office and try to read whenever I get a chance, whether I am waiting for a meeting or in my minuscule free time when no one is around, which I find crazily exciting. Much better than scrolling Facebook or Instagram in my free time. And strange thing is I wait to open it and read few pages every time I get a chance. It rules my head all the time and I think about it when I am not reading it.

"Veronica decides to die" was a good read, I didn't expect anything from it though, but still, it was better than what I thought. With every story I read, about every character, I was reassured I am Mad :P 

Though, the addiction thing always happens whenever I start reading a book, but, this time it was more intense. I used to look forward to get a chance to grab it and read. This usually never happens. This time it replaced my morning-evening's YouTube hour, occupied my coffee time, I reduced time I dedicated to other important things. And I loved it. :)

I am feeling good, and now, I am going to start another one. Yayy :)

Dear God, I love you, please take care of my people. No! I don't want anything. Muuaah