Damned

I was reading Bukowski this morning and I couldn't help connecting with his mind. It was all.. oh so soulful. Some days, I feel I am another him, other days I am Rumi.

Sometimes I feel scared... Scared of myself. I have seen myself doing things I never imagined I could do in my right mind. Stop eating food for days, stopped talking to people randomly,  leaving my job and just escaping away to random places, and blah blah blah. I can't handle my own mind most of the times!

I feel these days I am unable to manage my thoughts and feeling everything way too much.. this is again weirdly scary. And as a defense mechanism my mind is already plotting a plan which will be again somewhat unexpected... destructive maybe.

I am too old school to be alive in this era. Sometimes, I feel why can't I live like normal people, feeling fewer emotions and not attaching myself to anyone. I hate feeling too much. I feel I have a vulnerable soul, prone to emotional accidents. 

Can you recognize that feeling where you are dying... Feeling like thousand pins stuck in your head at the same time and you are unable to breathe, mostly late at nights and early mornings? Though there is no fixed time for this feeling this takes everything out of me and I can't stop thinking. I don't know if it is a disease! Ah maybe!

I feel I am damned. Maybe doomed. All at the same time. 

I am a happy person but I am an insane emotional fool. I can't get over my own thoughts and I am scared someday I will just do something absolutely crazy. On top of all this, I see dreams which are further destructive for my own self.

Ahh, whatever.

I don't know what all I just wrote. Some random stupid stuff. But I need to write, I badly need to express more. And I can't. And I hate it. 

Oh dear God, I need your help. Seriously. Help help help!

And please take care of my people. Love you.