Caffeinated, Forever!

Addictions are difficult.

Difficult to live with, 

Difficult to get rid of!

Going through the list of ringtones available in my handset, I came across this "Caffeinated Rattlesnake" tone, anything with caffeine attached to its name has a special significance in my life.

I am addicted to caffeine and I think its the most difficult habit for me to get rid of. Good 16 years I have spent caffeinating myself every single day!

One fine morning, I decided to find out a solution to move over this addiction, as usual, I thought of Mr. Google, my savior for a majority of the practical problems prevailing in my life, at any point of time.

I came across this habit formation theory of minimum 21-days. This theory states that if you continue to do something for 21 days or more you can form a habit or may get rid of it. Its very a controversial statement though and is contradicted by many researchers over a period of time.

In the 1950s, Dr. Maxwell Maltz, a well-known plastic surgeon observed a strange pattern among his patients, he claimed that it usually takes 21 days for any of his patients to accept their new look or to get used to his/her new features modified by plastic surgery. This theory was further contradicted and backed by many types of research where it was observed a minimum of 66 days were required to form any new lifestyle change or modify any habit. Pheww!

Despite all the researches done, it's very funny, how can someone get rid of a habit he or she spent 16 years forming in just 21 days or for that matter 66 days. It's not even practical.

Even if I try to recall, in the last 16 years I have only quit coffee once, I am very proud to say this though, but, the reason was not even acceptable. I never decided and quit even at that point, there was this time in life when I used to forget drinking coffee, forget almost everything including water and food. And I clearly remember it was my internship period during my MBA days, what a terrible time to recall! Ah, anyway. 

But on a very serious note, now, I believe its high time to get rid of this pain and try to live like basic people. Oh! I am one of those 'basic people', already, actually. :P

Of course, most of the stupid things, I do, nowadays is primarily because of coffee, and that's one bad habit I can discuss on my blog. :P

I will talk about my sweet addiction, some other day. First, Coffee!

Let's see, when will I grow up and finally get over this weakness. I think I need another coffee now.

Dear God, I know it's no point asking for anything, you'll do whatever you like, You are the Boss. Just take care of my people. :*

Gaumukh Tapovan Trek!

Beginning of this year, a holy man looked at my birth chart and told me, 'You have life threat from Mountains'. I smiled, and said, 'You shouldn't have said that in front of my mom' ;-)

In my head, I thought, we all have to die one day and for me what can be better than mountains.

Today, sitting here, in the second last month of this year, I would like to admit it's not as rosy as it sounds, the whole ‘Dying in Mountains’ idea.  I have seen it very close, twice, this year.  It’s not that I am terrified or something, but I am not very excited about it, anymore.

To summarise my trekking trips this year, I have done quite a few treks in Bali for waterfalls, volcano, and rice fields.  Coming to the mountains, specifically, I have done 3 treks.

Nag Tibba in January, Everest Base Camp in April and Gaumukh Tapovan in the month of October.

I have mentioned briefly about the first 2 in my earlier post and had no intention of writing about Gaumukh Tapovan.

Last week, I was generally talking to my mom and out of the blue, she asked me, ‘Have you blogged about your recent trek?’

 It was surprising for me because she never ever asked about my blog.

I was a bit reluctant, I said, 'No, I didn't write about any of the mountain treks this year. They were not my best.' On which she replied, 'You should, good or bad, it's your journey and experience and it's your blog. It's all about learning'.

I told her about my blog, I think some 7-8 years ago. She is not very tech savvy but to my surprise, she remembered it. Though now she is a pro in online shopping on Myntra, Amazon, Big basket and other apps, this was unexpected.

So, I would like to give all the credit of this post to her. And I am going to skip the bad experience part for the post.

Coming back to my recent trek, Gaumukh Tapovan, it was an unplanned trip which I thought of sitting on Mount Batur in Bali and booked 4 days before the departure.

I didn’t intentionally plan Gaumukh Tapovan, it happened.

I don’t know where to begin.

It was an 8 day long trip with 4 days of trekking itinerary. 2 days for to and fro from Dehradun to Gangotri and vice-versa, 1 additional day at Gangotri and 1 at Bhojwasa Campsite.

Though, I changed my plan a bit and decided to descend alone a day before the trek officially ended.

The trip started from my favorite Dehradun, so much I am in love this place now and it’s like my second home.

As always, I reached Dehradun a day in advance.  This time I met an old friend who shifted to Dehradun sometime back. We went out for dinner and a movie before my trip started.

Day 1- Dehradun to Gangotri drive

After a long day on the road, we reached Gangotri at 7 pm. Had our dinner and slept.

Day 2- Relaxing day at Gangotri

This was an extra day at Gangotri. We roamed around, visited temples and attended Ganga Aarti at Gangotri temple in the evening. Blissful experience it was. The place was damn cold which gave me a fair idea of cold in upcoming days.

Day 3- Gangotri to Chirbassa- 9kms

It was an easy walk. We started around 9 am and reached our 1^st campsite by 3.30pm. The views were mesmerizing and the campsite was good and clean. I discovered a beautiful white sand Ganga beach in the evening and spent an amazing time there.

Day 4- Chirbassa to Bhojwasa- 5kms

A short and not so sweet walk. This day I felt blisters on my feet and the pain was terrible.

In the evening, I covered them with surgical tape but it was of no good. It was in really bad shape.

Plus in the afternoon, I saw some people from other camps were playing cricket so I couldn’t stop myself and joined them and we played till it was dark, for almost 4 hours. At that moment, I absolutely forgot about my blisters though it was paining, but, I was alright.

Day 5- Bhojwasa to Gaumukh to Bhojwasa- 10 kms

It was a long day and a bit tiring as well. For me, it was additionally painful because of my growing blisters. This day we had to cross three ice-cold rivers and my blisters made it worse for me. I am in pain even when I am writing about it, right now.

For the first time, I felt I am losing conscious while crossing the river.

In the ice-cold water, the blisters were hurting like someone was cutting my toes inside the water with a sharp knife, and the tape was all wet and washed off. After crossing the second river, tears started flowing and after crossing the 3^rd one I refused to walk. I just sat down on a big rock and cried for I don’t know how long.

I honestly felt I am going to die and will never be able to walk again in my life.

I couldn’t move because of blister-pain, my legs which were wet in icy water till upper thighs got froze and I was unable to feel any sensation in them for almost an hour. I failed to stand up, multiple times. Gosh! It was damn crazy.

Day 6- Bhojwasa to Gangotri

This day was supposed to be our Bhojwasa to Tapovan trek, but, I decided to descend back for 2 reasons- my blisters and the cold. I was dying to be in warm weather.

I descended alone and lost my way in between, but luckily, I found my way back and reached Gangotri around 5pm.

I was feeling blessed, I found a room and booked it. And for the next day, I decided to go back to Dehradun.

Day 7- Gangotri to Dehradun

I checked for the available mode of transport and boarded a local bus to Uttarkashi and from there I took a shared cab till Dehradun. Pheww!

By 7pm, I was in Dehradun, and I was very happy. It was perfectly warm weather.

Once again, I met my friend in Dehradun and since I had one extra day we celebrated my birthday in advance with another movie and lunch and dinner at an exotic place. And also, I stayed at her place for the extra day for which I never booked anything.

Though I love all weathers, this trip made me realize I can’t bear the excess cold.

For my last day, that was 20^th October, I had booked a nice place for myself and there I got a surprise upgrade so I had an amazing birthday celebration. :)

Overall, I loved my experience. There were certain bad elements I am not willing to talk about.

No, no, the blisters were not the bad part. They were for learning. :)

And yes, no more mountain trips this year. At least, for right now, I think so.  ;-)

Dear God, I love you. Take care of my people. Muuah. :)

Pictures from the trek-

I will Love You till Eternity!

When I first heard this word 'Eternity' in the context of 'Love', I opened my big hard-cover dictionary to find out its meaning.

At that time, the internet was not that popular and we had one common desktop at home. I am talking about 2006 and I was in my graduation.

I have grown up in a very different set-up. We lived in a small house, a big house in a joint family, celebrating all big-small festivals, birthdays and anniversaries together with homemade delicacies. Always close to my grandparents.

All I have seen and believed is families are meant to be together, during all thick and thin and love stays forever in good and bad times. Money is important for a living but life can be blissful even with less of it.

I have seen my grandpa and grandma growing old together with 75 years of togetherness. And for better or worse, I belong to the same school of thought in the era of temporary everything.

Back during my MBA days, I remember writing a blog post on “How my biggest fear was getting married to a person I am not in Love with”, today my fears are even deeper.

I am shit scared.

A few days back, I met a friend while traveling. She was the wife of my ex-colleague. I still remember the time I met them back in November 2010 and I precisely remember it because we visited Trade Fair together which happens in November every year.

I always thought they were meant to be, perfect for each other. It was a love marriage after 2 years of courtship. And I loved listening to their story, it was my favorite.

When I met her recently, I was shocked to know they are separated. And for the most common reason, the guy cheated on her and asked for the divorce.

It was heart-breaking for me and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I don’t know how to express this but I am really scared. It's not the first and only story I know which ended like this.

People usually say I am brave because I travel solo and go on adventures, but, I believe solo travel is easy, real strength lies in surviving these relationship traumas.

It’s easy to travel in any corner of the world knowing that you have someone in your life with you, on whom you can blindly trust, but living in a devastating relationship is the most painful and brave thing ever.

I am really feeling terrified for the past few days for I don’t know what all, maybe because of Venus Retrograde and Taurus moon or I don’t know why.

Dear God, please give me strength. I don’t have too many expectations but please help me in getting rid of the pain I am in. And take care of my people. Muuah.

Bali.

I don’t know if I can ever do justice to this post, for love can never be expressed in words.

All my life I thought, I am a beach person, in fact, I was sure. Then one day after my Rupin trek, I realized I love mountains more than anything and there is no feeling compared to the feeling I have in the mountains.

And eventually, unintentionally, one finely beautiful day, I fell in Love with Bali.

Such a confused creature I am, no less than any Imtiaz Ali’s character. Unknowingly falling for something and one day coming to a conclusion, all my life I lived an illusion.

I hate being emotional. I think all the suffering I have in my life is because of this one trait. But, then, all the beautiful things I enjoy to the core are also because of this. Sometimes, I wonder if people feel even 1% of the way I feel, with even half of its intensity. I can sense every emotion in my blood and bones, to the core of my being. And I hate it. I think life is simple if you are emotionless.

All my life I just kept running away from everything that had a potential of giving me pain, and emotions were on the top of the list. I hate it.

Sorry, coming back to Bali.

Bali was never my love at first sight. 

On 22^nd August’18, I landed in Bali at 10 pm and after standing in a long queue for immigration, luggage, currency and sim card when I finally managed to come out of the airport, I realized, my name placard was missing in the crowd of people.

Super tired, I called up my hotel to ask about the taxi status, on which they had some stupid reason to give and I had to wait for an hour more. After reaching my hotel at 1am, I instantly disliked the room and the rest of my night I spent online, looking for another place to stay. 

My first morning here, I realized my whole body was very badly shivering when I was still in a deep sleep; I managed to open my tired eyes and realized it was a deadly earthquake. Strongest that I have ever felt in my life, I rushed out of my room and thought of Lombok incidence that happened a few days ago. 

Anyhow, I had a bad headache all this while and it was a super scary start of my trip. 

And I was thinking, why the hell I picked Bali for travel. Why in the whole wide world people come here for a honeymoon, why!? I was badly freaked out.

Day 2 in Bali, I changed my hotel and from that moment onward everything magically changed. My second hotel was a beautiful boutique resort a bit away from the main city in the outskirts of Ubud, surrounded by lush green rice fields.

I enjoyed Ubud for 3 days before moving to North Bali where I had an interesting project to handle.

North Bali was a quiet, peaceful, serene and not-so-crowded place with virgin black volcanic sand beaches. No touristy crowd. Absolutely blissful. Perfectly my kinda place.

I loved the sunrises, sunsets, morning evening walks, evenings in open cafes with live classic music, so much to talk about and I have no words to explain. Plus the place I stayed in was one of the best in Bali, sea facing sunrise villa in a beautiful green resort, it couldn’t have been any better for sure. Without a doubt, I lived a dream.

I lived there for 35 days before moving back to Ubud where I spent 10 more days before I moved back to India.

And my India return was another story. My return was already booked with a 3-day long Singapore trip for my Birthday in-between. But as usual, plans are not for me.

2^nd Oct’18, after my Mount Batur climb, I was sitting on a mountain top looking at the beautiful sunrise in Bali. I sensed a strange craving within, I don't know why at that very moment I missed mountains very intensely. And in a fraction of a second, I was dying to go to the Himalayas. As if something was pulling me, a strange force.

I came back to my room and desperately checked all the possibilities available in near future, also, if my India return can be preponed, I could find 2 options but no Bali to Delhi ticket was available. I again checked next morning and found out one ticket option was available, booked it. 

I gave myself one day to unpack Bali and pack for my next adventure. Reached Delhi on 10th late evening and had my train booked for 12th early morning and had no clue how it will happen in-between. 

And it happened.                        

I was leaving Bali with tears in my eyes, but, I was looking forward to my mountain trip. Emotions are always complicated, defying all the logic.

Dear God, thank you for everything, you know I love you. Give me strength and take care of my people. Muuah.

In pursuit of Happiness!

The year is in its second half and going through my own blog I realized I was absolutely lost all this while.

A wise man told me sometime back- “If it happens as per your wish its good, but if it happens otherwise it’s for the best!”

Many things happened this year, unexpectedly good and unexpectedly not-so-good but I think those not-so-good happenings pushed me towards happy and good ones which otherwise were out of the question.

I genuinely believe 'you are exactly where you are supposed to be and what meant to be, always find it's way'.

And I am the one who is too restless to accept the same most of the times even though it's imprinted on my subconscious mind. Ah, my yoga lingo. :P

Happenings so far this year were somewhat like this, I'll start with the first one and moving on to another in the sequence they happened-

January-

1. New Year Celebration- I can't recall how I celebrated my new year but I am sure it was peaceful, nothing crazy. I was with my family, I got up happy, not sleepy nor sad. I was content on Jan 1st and visited the temple in evening. Blissful calm day.

2. Karan Bellani- The guy I met here on BlogSpot 9 years back and my oldest blogger buddy. He was the only guy who promised to be my friend till the end and he kept it. His unexpected death was a shock to me and it taught me a lot. I was unable to believe he is no more when I read it on FB and called him to check multiple times, one day his mom called me back looking at my missed calls in his call log to say “beta, Karan is no more”. He died of ALS, Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. I don't want to recall anything, I love escaping it.

We met thrice in 9 years, so I convinced myself he is still there in Bombay living his life peacefully. But, Facebook! FB memories keep reminding me of him, the time I visited Bombay and he took days off from his schedule to show me around or when he visited Delhi and I took him to my favorite places. :(

I still remember our walk on the roads of Bombay, at night, though we had a bike we preferred exploring roads on foot, we walked for almost 6 hours aimlessly trying roadside foods and exploring markets, we talked and talked and talked, but, I still wonder he never told me about his ALS!

Rest in Peace, Karan. Bombay will never be the same for me without you.

3. Nag Tibba-

My 1st trip of 2018, I wanted it to be calm, snowy, starry and mountainy. So, I decided to go solo on a short trek near Dehradun known as Nag Tibba. It was a whole different story and a very different experience for me. For the first time I was traveling with all Delhiites (except one Bangalore guy). :P

It was a very short 2-day trek and after day 1 of trekking, the group denied to get up at 5am next morning for the final summit. During our dinner time, in a group, they announced: “that's it, we are not going to get up early for trek tomorrow, it’s enough”. For the first time, I saw trek leader massaging legs and rubbing balm on female trekkers' knees. :P

The night was loud as they played loud music opened liquor bottles and started smoking. It was difficult for me to sleep, but, I managed. I was sure if no one else, at least the Bangalore guy is going for the Summit.

I got up in the morning and to my surprise, many more motivated themselves to drag till the Summit.:P

I can never forget this experience. One good thing was I found a new friend from Bangalore with a thousand things to talk about, all nerdy and geeky. :P

And I promised myself not to go anywhere near Delhi for trekking in the future. 

February-

4. Calcutta trip- 

Another trip to East, the good part about my office was these frequent trips but then they used to be so packed and hectic, I started realizing I no more love traveling. I wanted peace and recreational time. I mean, going to Calcutta and not getting even 10 mins for myself was crazy. Travel is always beautiful though but I need to soak into the beauty of the place which was missing. I reached Calcutta at 4pm for the event which was 7pm, all I could do was taking shower, getting ready for the evening, reaching to the venue, coming back to the luxurious hotel and sleep. Flying back to Delhi next morning! Rushing like crazy!

One good thing was, I was able to finish a book during my in-flight time and skipped my dinner at the event venue to enjoy Bengali sweets at night in my hotel!

5. Grandpa- My grandpa was not keeping well for quite some time and this time it was worsening, every time I used to visit hospital I used to cry after coming back. I still remember that one evening when I went to the ICU with multiple beds and he was on the front bed and I looked at him and couldn’t believe it's him, I looked around to find him but it was him, so weak and pale and unable to move. I went closer and asked him if he could recognize me and he was unable to utter my name.

That was the moment I lost faith in the hospital, I remember he loved being at home no matter how unwell. I came out of ICU and spoke to the doctor and he said grandpa will not survive for many days and he needs to be on dialysis followed by a ventilator, I asked him what are the chances of improvement, on which doctor said survival chances are zero!

I was furious and decided to take him back home.

We arranged a surgical bed, male nurse and a private surgeon and had a big fight with hospital management during his discharge. Anyhow, my grandpa was happy and I could see him improving at home. He used to smile and talk to me though he was unable to eat through his mouth. He used to love home, everything here was picked by him even the designer sofa set and the curtains, I remember taking him to Kirti Nagar to select his favorite designs.

He was doing well but the surgeon said "he can go any moment". I denied to believe. He was improving and I was hopeful until one day he denied to talk to me. He slept for 1 complete day. And the next day He left us. :(

I was unable to believe it and why should I, he is still with me, around me. Reading it all, while I am writing it. 

March-

6. Singapore trip-

My second office trip of the year, and although it was my first ever international trip I was not at all excited, I mean, travel used to be one thing I used to love the most and now it was also failing. After losing interest in my workout routine due to my work schedule, now, I was losing interest in travelling.

This trip was for senior management and I and my one more colleague were going as an exception, and even that exception failed to excite me. :P

I called my boss to say I am not willing to go and if they can cancel my booking, on which she said “you should go and bookings can't be cancelled”. As they say, what’s meant to be find its way.

I landed in Singapore, it was all luxury trip for an Annual Strategy Meet, stay in 5 star hotel, brilliant buffets, dinners at the very best locations like Marina Bay Sands and The Altitude (the highest point in Singapore).

The time I enjoyed the most in Singapore was the day I landed in Singapore and decided to explore it myself by skipping my pre-booked dinner at again some 5 star fine dining property, the best part was my fone was not working.

After everyone left for the dinner, I left my hotel in the evening to roam around on the streets of Singapore. I decided to eat the local food and check out the local flea markets. So much I loved that evening, I bought local chocolates, ate local food and had the best time sitting on the street side looking at the new city, feeling the different air on my face and hair. But of course, I had to pay the price for this freedom, when my boss told me you are not a child, you are here on a work trip and are supposed to be on time and be with the group all the time. She was not very happy about my little adventure. :P

Our routine used to be staying in the conference from 8am till 6pm, listening to the sales agendas and progress of last financial year, getting dressed up by 7pm and going to some luxurious pre-booked venue for dinner with the management.

One evening when I was sitting on the rooftop of “The Altitude”, listening to the live music and cherishing the view of the city lights from the top, I looked up at the sky and the stars. Talking to the stars, they asked me “Are you happy being here, this is so amazing?”

I looked around once again, my boss, her boss and other bosses drinking and laughing and enjoying, it was a beautifully luxurious jail, with fine wine and cheese and the best of dresses people could wear and all those things most of the people dream of and would do anything for. And nothing was wrong with it. But...

But, I could not relate to it, it was not my world. It was not for me. As strange as it may sound, I decided to go back to my hotel. The plan was to stay there by 2-3am but I left around 12.

I loved the overall feel of the city and I loved the luxury, who doesn’t, so I cherished my time in Singapore with the only wish of getting time for myself, it was just unfair to the place. What good is a big bath tub if I can’t take a long rejuvenating bubble bath.

On our last day, I went for a small walk around and bought a few more things before leaving the city. Also, I promised the city to be back soon with all my time. :-)

7. Realisation- 

After coming back from Singapore, I was subconsciously realising this was not what I wanted for myself. I cannot lose these simple joys in life for money. Along with it, there were many more things happening which were killing me within and I was unable to bear it. I needed a break.

April-

8. Contemplation- 

Contemplation happens. And it happens on it’s own, when it’s supposed to be. I realised many things, I was happy but I was in pain. A strange pain I cannot define here. The same pain I was in, 9 years back. And once again history repeated itself. This time I had no friend so close to share with. I needed time for myself..

9. Resignation- 

I needed a break and I took it. I left my job and decided to hibernate. And for the first time, I was not worried about what will happen in my future. This was what I needed exactly at that point of time. A break from my own self. And the future, I was not even thinking about it.

10. Nepal and Everest Base Camp- 

April 17^th was my last working day and on April 20^th, I was in Nepal.

The trip was more about Nepal for me and less about Everest Base Camp, and yes, Rupin Pass still tops the list of my favourite treks.

I went for EBC with my brother, and we started our trek on 22^nd April.. EBC was amazing in terms of views and the experience but it was overly commercialised and very crowded. It was nothing like a trek. It was more about crossing a valley to reach to another guest house sort of crowded place. I will any day prefer Himachal over Nepal for a trek in particular.

Also, I had another “Acute Mountain Sickness” and this time it was much severe than the last time, I felt I am surely going to die this time. :P

More than EBC it was Nepal that we enjoyed, amazing nightlife of Thamel, beautiful temples, streets of Pokhara and a round of Golf at Himalayan Golf course.

Nepal was overall a brilliant experience; we experienced Lukla flight and Chopper ride which was once in a lifetime experience.

I might visit Nepal again for EBC via Gokyo lakes route, but, that’s a farfetched idea. I need to work on my fitness first. :P

Well, I guess it’s enough for now. I am not willing to talk about my next 3 month long hibernation in the mountains.

Dear God, you know what I’ll say. Thank you for everything. I love you. Take care of my people. Muaah. :*

My Beloved Grandfather!

4.15 pm, 27th February 2018, I lost my beloved grandfather. 

That very moment when I was standing next to his bed, my hands cupping his cold pale face and my ears craving to hear his voice, my words finding difficulty to come out and my throat choked.. I regretted every moment when He was there with me and I couldn't spend enough time with him.

Why we realize these things after losing our favorite people!

I was his son. He was always very proud of me. I often heard him talking to people "my granddaughter had done this", "my granddaughter bought this", "I'll ask my granddaughter", "my granddaughter" used to be his favorite. I was his favorite.

His small small wishes and demands which He only used to tell me, who will ask me now where am I going to travel next, after my every trip who will now ask "tu ne photos bhi nahi dikhayi", "kaisa tha trip", "kaisa mausam tha"...

His child-like wishes which I used to love fulfilling, how can I ever get over his words. Every time He used to crave for something special to eat I used to be the first one know. For whom I'll buy chocolates now, his favorite pastries and cookies. I remember the last thing he asked for when He could eat was his favorite cookies, which He was hardly able to eat.

Every time we used to go out for family celebrations He used to sit next to me, at times even switching seats with whosoever sitting next to me saying "gudiya achha khana order karti hai, main iske sath hi baithunga"

Every time I used to leave home, He used to be there sitting in the balcony, always used to call my name and when I used to look back He used to say "kab ayegi mujhse baat karne", "aaiyo free hoke", "kaisi hai"... Who will call me now! :(

Whenever I used to sit with him, He used to tell me his stories, his work-life, how He started his business along with the job, his travel stories, his favorite food, his life during the time of British-rule. I have heard his stories multiple times and I always used to love listening to them. His favorite one was his Mauritius travel story. I visualized that era through his eyes. I lived it.

I didn't realize He left me so suddenly and since then, I avoided looking at his pictures and stuff for 11 days. I convinced myself thinking he is alive somewhere just away from this place and I'll meet him soon. I love running from situations I can't face. Coward me. Fake me. 

The worst ever.

Today was his prayer ceremony and I was the one arranging things, I saw his framed photograph and couldn't control my tears. I so wish to talk to him and say sorry for not being able to spend enough time with him.

I hope I'll be fine, I'll again convince myself He is there somewhere with me, till then let the tears flow and let my heart grieve. 

Dear God, take good care of my Grandpa, He is with You now. And I am jealous of You today.

For you Grandpa-

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah, they were all yellow!

Dear Grandpa, wherever you are, I want to say SORRY for not being able to spend more time with you. I hate myself. 

Rest In Peace.