Wednesday, August 31, 2016

I am scared!

It's killing me and I need to write this.

I am an introvert. And I am very comfortable with the fact.

I rarely express, even if I really want to I can’t, I can’t open up easily... Sometimes, I find it really hard to say a “Hi” forget about initiating a conversation with people on my own... And honestly.. I have tried changing it but I failed miserably.

I have my people with whom I can talk for hours but not with everyone.

Even though I am courageous, strong and blah blah I have fears and they are as deep as my strengths.

I don’t really know if it’s a blessing or a curse to be emotionally vulnerable and feel everything with a very high intensity... Whether I am happy or excited or grateful or sad.... I feel everything intensely... And, I love these feelings till the time they are positive but when negativity rules... God save the world!

My biggest fear is – “People I have feelings for destructing themselves“

I have very few close friends and I deeply feel for them, they are like my family and I can’t see them in pain... We have been together through very bad times and I am really proud of it. They believed in me when I gave up on myself!

But, being vulnerable is a curse and is badly bothering me because I develop feelings for people who are not even my friends but are good at heart and I can’t see them in destructive phase... I am stupid I know... I shouldn’t be thinking about it at all, but, yes, I am really stupid and I can’t stop thinking...

I am scared of liars and manipulative people and from my experience I have learned I can’t deal with them, so, now, I don’t think over it. Whenever I realize someone is just talking negative about other people or lying or being manipulative I simply cut myself and stop talking to and about that person. May be that’s my defense mechanism.

I am highly anxious right now and something is killing me deeply... each day... every moment and I can’t talk about it... 

God, please please make it a bad dream... I really need to wake up from this.. Please help me.. I promise I will be a good girl :(

Please God, show me the way out... And please take care of my people... Love you.


Anonymous said...


Being vulnerable is not a curse but it only means that you can relate to the situation or person emotionally. And to be true it is humane emotion which this world lacks today.

If something is really troubling you, you need to get up and resolve it. We tend to avoid solutions because they go against our belief system.

secondly every phase passes away. this will also.. Like you mentioned, your friends who have been along you will be there as you pass through this.

Be strong.. Stay Strong..!!

Deepika said...

@Anonymous- I always see people happy without emotions, they are least bothered about anything.
Emotions makes us weak and slowly kills inside.
Even though I try this is an impossible situation to get out of... People say "Give it time" but that's what we say in all hopeless situations "Time"

Anonymous said...

People Happy without emotion - They may seem happy but in the end they r dead inside and this reality hits each one...

Giving it time doesn't help. Time only helps u to get used to the pain.

there is no problem in this world that doesn't have a solution. It is just that solution doesn't suits the world.

Deepika said...

@Anonymous- I wish I could tell Pearl what the problem is... I so wanna shout out because its giving me nightmares.

But, I don't know what to do except just waiting for time to change things or may be I'll change my situations by running away. I am clueless. I was happy being numb.

In the end, we cant run away from our thoughts may be that's why there is no solution.

KParthasarathi said...

I believe being highly emotional only aggravates the problem ether strong likes or dislikes.It is difficult to remain calm when something directly affects you.There are no clear and uniform solutions.They vary.You can ignore some while some you have to confront and even take the bull by the horns.But one should not panic and lose a pragmatic approach.
Confiding to some trusted and very close person reduces the burden and may even clear the mind.I wish and pray for a speedy and desired solution to the issue that agitates your mind.

Deepika said...

@KParthsarthi- Thanks for your wishes... Its really bad being emotionally vulnerable.

SG said...

I sympathize with you. These are just passing clouds. I have a suggestion. Please listen to a song sung by the Grascals. The title is "I am Strong". Here are the first 4 lines:

I am tired and I am weak
Sometimes I ask, "Why me?"
But I have faith and I believe
That I am strong

Wish you all the best. Why do you worry when God is on your side!

Saif Farooqi said...

Being emotionally vulnerable is not a bad thing. It's just the way you are. I'm also the same and used to feel troubled about it, but then you learn to live with it. Just like being an introvert, you got to deal with it. You got to orient yourself in such a way that you don't get emotionally hurt too often. Yeah, it's not easy; but then that's the way it is :)