Papa

I lost my father last month—out of the blue, all of a sudden. I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t meet him one last time. I can’t forgive myself for not being there.

The world is celebrating Father’s Day today, and I don’t know how I feel. I am numb. I had the best dad in the whole world, and I lost him. They say it’s the circle of life and all that—but why my dad? I wasn’t even a good daughter. I gave him so much pain and wasn’t even there in his last moments. I got the news when I was midway home, on the flight, and I just couldn’t do anything. I cried and screamed and sat there, stuck in the aircraft. Helpless.

My dad had a rough childhood, but he made sure we had the best life—and he gave us better than the best. Our childhood was amazing because of our parents, and every occasion was a great celebration because he was there. I don’t know how to live with this loss.

I feel lost and numb. I try to stay outside the house because it kills me to be indoors and face myself. I’m not comfortable with silence, and it’s driving me crazy. This is a very different phase of my life, and I don’t know how to deal with it—but I know he’s around me, and he’ll help me through it, like he always did.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad. I know heaven has its brightest star. I miss you, and I hope to meet you in another universe, another lifetime. May God bless your soul.

Mixed Feelings!

I realized it's been more than a year since I wrote anything, and lately, I’ve noticed how anxious I feel in the month of February. I’ve started noticing these patterns that I go through year after year, even though I try to break them. Certain things in my life just seem to be on auto-mode.

Every time I experience this mix feeling of anxiety and excitement, I choose excitement. But this time, I’m not sure, and the anxiety is taking over me.

Last year, when I visited India, I felt anxious and scared. I knew I would miss the city and my friends, but this time it’s different. I know I’ll miss the city and my friends, but there’s something unknown I feel like I’ll miss. It’s a strange feeling—like I’m leaving behind something I feel deeply connected to. I know I’m in love with this place, but I’m just feeling a little more stressed about it.

I’m really excited to see my family, and I know they need me there right now. I’m looking forward to it... but I don’t know how to explain this strange feeling.

Even when I first thought about moving to Canada, I never imagined I’d end up in Calgary. It was serendipity for me. The city has given me so much more than I ever expected. It has mended my broken heart, putting it back together as if nothing ever happened. Is that even realistically possible? Yes, it is—almost like magic.

I never thought I’d feel the way I do today. God works in mysterious ways, and I’m just so thankful and full of gratitude.

I’m already looking forward to coming back here and doing the things I want to. My Calgary 3.0... Is that weird? I don’t know. I’m just in love. This feeling is amazing, and I’m completely sinking into it.

I love you, Calgary. Thank you, God, for this gift. I love you. Muaah.