Papa

I lost my father last month, out of the blue, all of a sudden. I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t meet him one last time. I can’t forgive myself for not being there.

The world is celebrating Father’s Day today, and I don’t know how I feel. I am numb. I had the best dad in the whole world, and I lost him. They say it’s the circle of life and all that but why my dad? I wasn’t even a good daughter. I gave him so much pain and wasn’t even there in his last moments. I got the news when I was midway home, on the flight, and I just couldn’t do anything. I cried and screamed and sat there, stuck in the aircraft. Helpless.

My dad had a rough childhood, but he made sure we had the best life and he gave us better than the best. Our childhood was amazing because of our parents, and every occasion was a great celebration because he was there. I don’t know how to live with this loss.

I feel lost and numb. I try to stay outside the house because it kills me to be indoors and face myself. I’m not comfortable with silence, and it’s driving me crazy. This is a very different phase of my life, and I don’t know how to deal with it but I know he’s around me, and he’ll help me through it, like he always did.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad. I know heaven has its brightest star. I miss you, and I hope to meet you in another universe, another lifetime. May God bless your soul.

Mixed Feelings!

I realized it's been more than a year since I wrote anything, and lately, I’ve noticed how anxious I feel in the month of February. I’ve started noticing these patterns that I go through year after year, even though I try to break them. Certain things in my life just seem to be on auto-mode.

Every time I experience this mix feeling of anxiety and excitement, I choose excitement. But this time, I’m not sure, and the anxiety is taking over me.

Last year, when I visited India, I felt anxious and scared. I knew I would miss the city and my friends, but this time it’s different. I know I’ll miss the city and my friends, but there’s something unknown I feel like I’ll miss. It’s a strange feeling—like I’m leaving behind something I feel deeply connected to. I know I’m in love with this place, but I’m just feeling a little more stressed about it.

I’m really excited to see my family, and I know they need me there right now. I’m looking forward to it... but I don’t know how to explain this strange feeling.

Even when I first thought about moving to Canada, I never imagined I’d end up in Calgary. It was serendipity for me. The city has given me so much more than I ever expected. It has mended my broken heart, putting it back together as if nothing ever happened. Is that even realistically possible? Yes, it is—almost like magic.

I never thought I’d feel the way I do today. God works in mysterious ways, and I’m just so thankful and full of gratitude.

I’m already looking forward to coming back here and doing the things I want to. My Calgary 3.0... Is that weird? I don’t know. I’m just in love. This feeling is amazing, and I’m completely sinking into it.

I love you, Calgary. Thank you, God, for this gift. I love you. Muaah.