It's killing me and I need to write this.
I am an introvert. And I am very comfortable with the fact.
I rarely express, even if I really want to I can’t, I can’t open up easily... Sometimes, I find it really hard to say a “Hi” forget about initiating a conversation with people on my own... And honestly.. I have tried changing it but I failed miserably.
I have my people with whom I can talk for hours but not with everyone.
Even though I am courageous, strong and blah blah I have fears and they are as deep as my strengths.
I don’t really know if it’s a blessing or a curse to be emotionally vulnerable and feel everything with a very high intensity... Whether I am happy or excited or grateful or sad.... I feel everything intensely... And, I love these feelings till the time they are positive but when negativity rules... God save the world!
My biggest fear is – “People I have feelings for destructing themselves“
I have very few close friends and I deeply feel for them, they are like my family and I can’t see them in pain... We have been together through very bad times and I am really proud of it. They believed in me when I gave up on myself!
But, being vulnerable is a curse and is badly bothering me because I develop feelings for people who are not even my friends but are good at heart and I can’t see them in destructive phase... I am stupid I know... I shouldn’t be thinking about it at all, but, yes, I am really stupid and I can’t stop thinking...
I am scared of liars and manipulative people and from my experience I have learned I can’t deal with them, so, now, I don’t think over it. Whenever I realize someone is just talking negative about other people or lying or being manipulative I simply cut myself and stop talking to and about that person. May be that’s my defense mechanism.
I am highly anxious right now and something is killing me deeply... each day... every moment and I can’t talk about it...
God, please please make it a bad dream... I really need to wake up from this.. Please help me.. I promise I will be a good girl :(
Please God, show me the way out... And please take care of my people... Love you.