Papa

I lost my father last month—out of the blue, all of a sudden. I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t meet him one last time. I can’t forgive myself for not being there.

The world is celebrating Father’s Day today, and I don’t know how I feel. I am numb. I had the best dad in the whole world, and I lost him. They say it’s the circle of life and all that—but why my dad? I wasn’t even a good daughter. I gave him so much pain and wasn’t even there in his last moments. I got the news when I was midway home, on the flight, and I just couldn’t do anything. I cried and screamed and sat there, stuck in the aircraft. Helpless.

My dad had a rough childhood, but he made sure we had the best life—and he gave us better than the best. Our childhood was amazing because of our parents, and every occasion was a great celebration because he was there. I don’t know how to live with this loss.

I feel lost and numb. I try to stay outside the house because it kills me to be indoors and face myself. I’m not comfortable with silence, and it’s driving me crazy. This is a very different phase of my life, and I don’t know how to deal with it—but I know he’s around me, and he’ll help me through it, like he always did.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad. I know heaven has its brightest star. I miss you, and I hope to meet you in another universe, another lifetime. May God bless your soul.

Mixed Feelings!

I realized it's been more than a year since I wrote anything, and lately, I’ve noticed how anxious I feel in the month of February. I’ve started noticing these patterns that I go through year after year, even though I try to break them. Certain things in my life just seem to be on auto-mode.

Every time I experience this mix feeling of anxiety and excitement, I choose excitement. But this time, I’m not sure, and the anxiety is taking over me.

Last year, when I visited India, I felt anxious and scared. I knew I would miss the city and my friends, but this time it’s different. I know I’ll miss the city and my friends, but there’s something unknown I feel like I’ll miss. It’s a strange feeling—like I’m leaving behind something I feel deeply connected to. I know I’m in love with this place, but I’m just feeling a little more stressed about it.

I’m really excited to see my family, and I know they need me there right now. I’m looking forward to it... but I don’t know how to explain this strange feeling.

Even when I first thought about moving to Canada, I never imagined I’d end up in Calgary. It was serendipity for me. The city has given me so much more than I ever expected. It has mended my broken heart, putting it back together as if nothing ever happened. Is that even realistically possible? Yes, it is—almost like magic.

I never thought I’d feel the way I do today. God works in mysterious ways, and I’m just so thankful and full of gratitude.

I’m already looking forward to coming back here and doing the things I want to. My Calgary 3.0... Is that weird? I don’t know. I’m just in love. This feeling is amazing, and I’m completely sinking into it.

I love you, Calgary. Thank you, God, for this gift. I love you. Muaah.

Living in a Deep-Freezer!

Years ago, I wrote a blog post on Delhi winters, and this time it's all about Calgary winters.

I landed in Calgary in summer, and oh my God, it was beautiful. The days were long; sunrises happened at 5 am, and sunsets at 10 pm. Nice and warm afternoons, and cool breezy mornings and evenings. It was lovely.

I was in a different phase of life when I landed here, and took those summer days for granted. I spent the majority of my time doing lame things or nothing. I won't blame myself for that; it was a different time. Thinking of last summer reminds me of a fictional novel plot where the author describes a sad protagonist, beautiful surroundings, and she is lost in her thoughts, which are not worth anything but consuming her completely. That reminds me of the beginning of ‘Palomino’ by Danielle Steel, one of my very first romantic novels, and I loved it. And here I am drifting away from the topic yet again. :P

Coming back to Calgary winter. When I landed here, people were trying to warn me, scare me, and honestly, to some extent, I was scared. When this December was warm, I was hoping for a worse January, and people were saying, “Oh, December is good, January will be killer.” I lived here in -50 degrees Celsius in January and went for a walk in -45 degrees. I am more than alive, and it was not that bad. I still feel Delhi winters are more difficult than this. :P

I survived the coldest day in 55 years in Calgary, and I didn't even feel it was harsh. I wonder why these people, especially Indians who are living here for many, many years, were so scared. Delhi used to feel much colder than this, maybe because it was a moist winter with pollution and less sun. Calgary winters are dry with sun and are much better and less cold!

To be honest, -45 degrees was not bad. Different, extreme, crazy cold, colder than a deep freezer but still good.

Most days, I enjoyed good home-cooked food, coffees, teas, hot chocolates, while working from my warm and cozy home and looking outside from the glass walls, appreciating the beauty of falling snowflakes. I also stepped out on my balcony to capture the perfect snowflakes; they were the same star-shaped ones they used to show in Disney movies. It was like stars falling from the sky, so beautiful.

The temperature today is 4 degrees, and honestly, it's a hot day. All my windows are open, and I still feel it's hot. Snow is melting all around, but people said we’ll get some colder days in February as well. As long as I don't have to go out much, I am more than happy. Bring it on! :P

In the month of February, Calgary hosts a Hot Chocolate Festival every year where one can try hot chocolates in different cafes, places in the city, and give a rating online. The top-rated café wins the contest. For my Hot Chocolate love, I am looking forward to it!  <3

Sometimes it feels like I am living a Disney princess life; other days, a Tim Burton story. Anyhow, I miss my family a lot.

Dear God, I love you, and please take care of my people. And, as you know, I always need you by my side. :)