Sunday, March 11, 2018

My Beloved Grandfather!

4.15 pm, 27th February 2018, I lost my beloved grandfather. 

That very moment when I was standing next to his bed, my hands cupping his cold pale face and my ears craving to hear his voice, my words finding difficulty to come out and my throat choked.. I regretted every moment when He was there with me and I couldn't spend enough time with him.

Why we realize these things after losing our favorite people!

I was his son. He was always very proud of me. I often heard him talking to people "my granddaughter had done this", "my granddaughter bought this", "I'll ask my granddaughter", "my granddaughter" used to be his favorite. I was his favorite.

His small small wishes and demands which He only used to tell me, who will ask me now where am I going to travel next, after my every trip who will now ask "tu ne photos bhi nahi dikhayi", "kaisa tha trip", "kaisa mausam tha"...

His child-like wishes which I used to love fulfilling, how can I ever get over his words. Every time He used to crave for something special to eat I used to be the first one know. For whom I'll buy chocolates now, his favorite pastries and cookies. I remember the last thing he asked for when He could eat was his favorite cookies, which He was hardly able to eat.

Every time we used to go out for family celebrations He used to sit next to me, at times even switching seats with whosoever sitting next to me saying "gudiya achha khana order karti hai, main iske sath hi baithunga"

Every time I used to leave home, He used to be there sitting in the balcony, always used to call my name and when I used to look back He used to say "kab ayegi mujhse baat karne", "aaiyo free hoke", "kaisi hai"... Who will call me now! :(

Whenever I used to sit with him, He used to tell me his stories, his work-life, how He started his business along with the job, his travel stories, his favorite food, his life during the time of British-rule. I have heard his stories multiple times and I always used to love listening to them. His favorite one was his Mauritius travel story. I visualized that era through his eyes. I lived it.

I didn't realize He left me so suddenly and since then, I avoided looking at his pictures and stuff for 11 days. I convinced myself thinking he is alive somewhere just away from this place and I'll meet him soon. I love running from situations I can't face. Coward me. Fake me. 

The worst ever.

Today was his prayer ceremony and I was the one arranging things, I saw his framed photograph and couldn't control my tears. I so wish to talk to him and say sorry for not being able to spend enough time with him.

I hope I'll be fine, I'll again convince myself He is there somewhere with me, till then let the tears flow and let my heart grieve. 

Dear God, take good care of my Grandpa, He is with You now. And I am jealous of You today.

For you Grandpa-

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah, they were all yellow!

Dear Grandpa, wherever you are, I want to say SORRY for not being able to spend more time with you. I hate myself. 

Rest In Peace.


Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about your loss. When you lose someone, u feel helpless and regret not being with them when you could.

But death is a reality. Its a cycle which we need to accept. Be happy of the fact that he lived a good life, he was proud of you. Don't say you were not with him, becoz you were there for him, thats y u wer special to him.

He is at peace and in safe place and will always wish you are happy.

Prayers for his soul.

You stay strong girl!!!

Dreams and Hopes said...

i am so sorry for your loss !! It's an amazing post !!!

KParthasarathi said...

A very touching post.Grieve not but cherish the fond memories.