Damned

I was reading Bukowski this morning and I couldn't help connecting with his mind. It was all.. oh so soulful. Some days, I feel I am another him, other days I am Rumi.

Sometimes I feel scared... Scared of myself. I have seen myself doing things I never imagined I could do in my right mind. Stop eating food for days, stopped talking to people randomly,  leaving my job and just escaping away to random places, and blah blah blah. I can't handle my own mind most of the times!

I feel these days I am unable to manage my thoughts and feeling everything way too much.. this is again weirdly scary. And as a defense mechanism my mind is already plotting a plan which will be again somewhat unexpected... destructive maybe.

I am too old school to be alive in this era. Sometimes, I feel why can't I live like normal people, feeling fewer emotions and not attaching myself to anyone. I hate feeling too much. I feel I have a vulnerable soul, prone to emotional accidents. 

Can you recognize that feeling where you are dying... Feeling like thousand pins stuck in your head at the same time and you are unable to breathe, mostly late at nights and early mornings? Though there is no fixed time for this feeling this takes everything out of me and I can't stop thinking. I don't know if it is a disease! Ah maybe!

I feel I am damned. Maybe doomed. All at the same time. 

I am a happy person but I am an insane emotional fool. I can't get over my own thoughts and I am scared someday I will just do something absolutely crazy. On top of all this, I see dreams which are further destructive for my own self.

Ahh, whatever.

I don't know what all I just wrote. Some random stupid stuff. But I need to write, I badly need to express more. And I can't. And I hate it. 

Oh dear God, I need your help. Seriously. Help help help!

And please take care of my people. Love you.

Mindful Thoughtlessness,Thoughtful Mindlessness

It's not that I didn't miss you in the past year, I did and I wrote but it just didn't make it to the blog.

I have never been more mindless. I am blank than ever. My mind crosses more than a thousand thoughts every day. The things I decide in the morning sounds obsolete by the same evening and anything I think late at night sink away with the sunrise. But I know that's how I have become lately. This is some other form of mental illness. Mindlessness but peace. Another dimension. Different vibration.

It's hard to say anything, so I don't say anything. It's funny how stupid I find it, every time I write something. 

My dreams are weirder than ever. Crazy funny terrible terrific dreams. I wait for the night to begin my journey into my 'dreamworld', and my night usually never begins before morning. Well.

Sleeplessness. I don't know from when I started having sleepless nights, maybe from the day I stopped working out. It's all upside down. I don't know what's real anymore.

I wanted to mark my presence here. This month I am completing 10 years with Pearl. Though I know, when I will read this post... I will refuse to admit... it was my thoughts ruling it. Well.

Confused. Mindless. Funny. Stupid. Me.

Anyway. It's time to say goodbye. I will try to write again, something, something better. Maybe. Some other day.

Thank you, dear God, thank you for everything. 

Caffeinated, Forever!

Addictions are difficult.

Difficult to live with, 

Difficult to get rid of!

Going through the list of ringtones available in my handset, I came across this "Caffeinated Rattlesnake" tone, anything with caffeine attached to its name has a special significance in my life.

I am addicted to caffeine and I think its the most difficult habit for me to get rid of. Good 16 years I have spent caffeinating myself every single day!

One fine morning, I decided to find out a solution to move over this addiction, as usual, I thought of Mr. Google, my savior for a majority of the practical problems prevailing in my life, at any point of time.

I came across this habit formation theory of minimum 21-days. This theory states that if you continue to do something for 21 days or more you can form a habit or may get rid of it. Its very a controversial statement though and is contradicted by many researchers over a period of time.

In the 1950s, Dr. Maxwell Maltz, a well-known plastic surgeon observed a strange pattern among his patients, he claimed that it usually takes 21 days for any of his patients to accept their new look or to get used to his/her new features modified by plastic surgery. This theory was further contradicted and backed by many types of research where it was observed a minimum of 66 days were required to form any new lifestyle change or modify any habit. Pheww!

Despite all the researches done, it's very funny, how can someone get rid of a habit he or she spent 16 years forming in just 21 days or for that matter 66 days. It's not even practical.

Even if I try to recall, in the last 16 years I have only quit coffee once, I am very proud to say this though, but, the reason was not even acceptable. I never decided and quit even at that point, there was this time in life when I used to forget drinking coffee, forget almost everything including water and food. And I clearly remember it was my internship period during my MBA days, what a terrible time to recall! Ah, anyway. 

But on a very serious note, now, I believe its high time to get rid of this pain and try to live like basic people. Oh! I am one of those 'basic people', already, actually. :P

Of course, most of the stupid things, I do, nowadays is primarily because of coffee, and that's one bad habit I can discuss on my blog. :P

I will talk about my sweet addiction, some other day. First, Coffee!

Let's see, when will I grow up and finally get over this weakness. I think I need another coffee now.

Dear God, I know it's no point asking for anything, you'll do whatever you like, You are the Boss. Just take care of my people. :*